God Writing #15: Authentic Evangelism Part I

[Thanks to my pastor (JR) who took some time this week to chat with me on the following subject and answer a couple of historical questions for me...]

5/12/06

Evangelism is a subject that often makes me cringe. Don't take that the wrong way--I think it's a vital thing, and I do believe Pastors should regularly address it. If you had the cure for cancer and were living in a world of terminally ill people, how could you keep it to yourself?
But where I start to feel uncomfortable is when traditional images of incredibly (sometimes ostentatiously) bold people are conjured up from my memory.
Am I meant to go about evangelism the same way?

When I lived in LA, I did pass people on street corners who were speaking of fire and brimstone--shouting and seemingly not concerned that few-to-no passersby cared to listen.

I know a guy I used to attend church with who has such a passion for reaching the lost that he'll go to the Mall of America with the sole intention of speaking to strangers about Christ.

Another friend is in the process (as I understand it) of bulking up his confidence so that he can approach people in public places (as he feels led) and pray with them for divine healing.

If nothing else can be said, God bless these people for their holy abandon. They surely are not ashamed of the gospel, and challenge the rest of us to live out our faith with the same confidence.

Try as I might though, I find I just can't operate the same way. I would rather shoot myself in the foot LITERALLY than walk up to a stranger and ask them if they know Jesus.
The whole thing feels sneaky to me--like I'm trying to scheme and connive. My will could drive me within an inch of my sanity if I thought I had to talk to 50 people a day about God. Even with all that (hypothetical) effort, no fruit would come from it if the Holy Spirit was not working behind the scenes.
What's more, when I start looking at people as numbers, my heart is not in the right place. In the unrealistic situation that the majority of people I would talk to would then decide to make a decision for Christ, what would come next? Wouldn't it all end up looking like a big manufacturing line? Win a convert, then train them to go out and convert? Isn't that what Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are all about?

I do think that the Lord uses diversity, and there are plenty of different ways to 'skin a cat.'
Isaiah 28:23-29: "Listen and hear my voice; pay attention and hear what I say. When a farmer plows for planting, does he plow continually? Does he keep on breaking up and harrowing the soil? When he has leveled the surface, does he not sow caraway and scatter cummin? Does he not plant wheat in its place, barley in its plot, and spelt in its field? His God instructs him and teaches him the right way. Caraway is not threshed with a sledge, nor is a cartwheel rolled over cummin; caraway is beaten out with a rod, and cummin with a stick. Grain must be ground to make bread; so one does not go on threshing it forever. Though he drives the wheels of his threshing cart over it, his horses do not grind it. All this also comes from the LORD Almighty, wonderful in counsel and magnificent in wisdom."
Allow me to share the approach I've come to terms with, and now joyfully hold on to...

Most Christians have heard the term 'friendship evangelism.' "People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care." "Each One, Reach One." Basically the idea is that as you invest into one or two (or three or ten) individuals, your life and faith will rub off on them.
I like this concept and wholeheartedly support it. However...my non-Christian friends get sick of my 'God talk' real fast. Our friendships seem to thrive only when I can 'agree to disagree.' And what about the masses? I honestly don't have a lot of extra time and energy to invest strongly into the majority of people I interact with, but my heart still wants to reach out...

I've come to think of my evengelism mode as 'authentic evangelism'. There might be a better name out there for it--I admit I haven't read any literature (other than Scripture) on the subject.
The basic concept to it is...live life.
Or maybe, unabashedly live life.

If we talk about how important it is to have a personal relationship with God, we'd better darn well have such a relationship! We aren't trying to win someone over to a church culture--hanging out with primarily church people, showing up to weekend services and Bible studies, picking up on Christianese vernacular, listening to primarily Christian music, reading only Christian books, going to Christian events, etc. All that is chaff. We want people to come to know our LORD.
I think our focus should be less on how to model the Christian life, and more on actually living it. I love the words of Deuteronomy 6 in which Moses is instructing the Israelites on how to live: "Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and your gates." (vs. 4-9)
When I was a kid, I remember hearing that passage in church and being captivated by it. Yet our pastor explained that it was more of a figurative set of instructions. I was a bit disappointed, but my heart still yearned for the same degree of immersion instead of the lifestyle that I knew--God and all discussion of Him was reserved for only a few hours outside the home on Sundays and holidays.

I was thinking minutes ago about how (as I understand it anyway) Jews weren't much for going out and winning converts. Rather, it seems to me, that they were content to simply live out their lives--with God at the center**. As the nations they lived among saw their lifestyle, there was a definite witness--whether the Jews had any interest in evangelism or not. If a gentile saw this and then wanted to worship/follow the LORD, I believe they were allowed in.

When Jesus came to walk the earth, only a limited number of people had the chance to hear about him. Obviously, the Good News of a Savior is the very sort of news that needs to get out and be told to every inhabitant of the globe. Thus, I believe, the birth of evangelism--and rightly so!

But what happens when Christians find themselves in a cultural context where most everybody already does know about Jesus and has the opportunity to seek him out through one of hundreds of local churches or Bibles in print and available at any bookstore?
Is it fruitful to take the truth and get into people's faces about it, in hopes that a high volume shout and an pop in the nose will wake them up from their lethargy?
I think that in such a context--such as most Americans find themselves in--maybe a return to the Jewish mindset may be more fitting.

Let me give an example...Back in December, my pal Foxx and I ran our first 5k together. It was a 'fun run', and we were less concerned with our time, and more concerned with just finishing. There were hundreds of people running--some we passed, and some passed us.
During the first leg of the race, Foxx and I chit-chatted a bit and somewhat tried to conserve our energy. But as we ran, our thoughts and conversation inevitably turned to God. Soon we were sharing with each other our favorite verses about running and enduring. I also shared some insight from Scripture I had recently sussed out for myself, and Foxx gave me her feedback.

I don't know how many people actually listened to what we were saying, but countless people had the opportunity to eavesdrop. Our motive was not to speak of God in a strategic way so as to trick people into seeking Him. Instead, our dialogue flowed from the heart, and was peppered with phrases that gave our Lord glory and indeed revealed His importance to us. After the fact,I realized with enormous satisfaction that this is the way God wants us to live publicly for Him.
Ephesians 5:19&20 also exhorts us to communicate with spiritual language--"Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."
Colossians 3:2 instructs, "Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things." Obviously heaven should be filling our thoughts and conversations!
The tail end of Luke 6:45 mentions"...For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."

Do our conversations reveal that the Lord is in our hearts? Having authentic, heart-felt spiritual conversations in public might be the easiest and one of the most effective ways to share our faith with the world around us...
To be continued.
----------------------
**As JR pointed out to me, there's a bit of a gap between how Jews of the old testament actually lived, and how God called them to/hoped for them to live. The story of Jonah might offer some worthy counterpoint thought. JR also pointed out that Jews were much more concerned with their life on earth than the prospect of eternal life to follow...

Weekend Well-Wishes

I realize that this blog is not the end all/be all of most people's days, so the following might seem a little arrogant, or at least superfluous, to post.
Having acknowledged this, I publicly defer it to the fact that this blog is a culmination of what's going on in my life/mind/heart/etc. and one of the perks is that I maintain complete control of what gets posted and what doesn't...therefore every post is another clue to seeing life through my eyes.
Ahem...yes, whatever, "Cut to the Chase, already Ristey", etc.

Three major things are being commemorated/celebrated this weekend, and though I am physically unable to take part in the festivities of any of them, I offer my sincerest well-wishes and send groovy vibes of every sort out to...

1) Lisa and Wil K. getting married in La Crosse, WI! Hooray! My first friend-I-grew-up-with getting married...I've known Lisa since we were in preschool together. Now out of Nick, Amy, Tina, Cassie, and me, who will be the next to fall?... ;)

2)My grandparents--Vernon and Joyce Ramsey--celebrating their 55th Wedding Anniversary. Yay! These two are so joined together that they don't ever even use the other's name...simply the emphasized pronoun (i.e.Him, Her, etc.)! It can be a fun game to try to get them to cave, but hasn't happened in my hearing for as far back as I can remember! Stubborn Scandanavians--that's where I get it. :)

3)Christy Merry--my former roommate, fellow modern-day apostle, and current friend-- turns 30 on the 30th! Woo-hoo! She's been whooping it up weeks in advance but the actual date is drawing nigh. Hop over to her blog (see my links) and wish her a Happy B day if you feel up to it!

Ok then, may the sun shine brilliantly on you all.

"You are so White!"

So at work tonight, the key for the men's bathroom got locked inside of it.
No spares were left.
Crazy stuff like this happens at my Starbucks all the time.
Then...the key got locked in the women's bathroom too. We had a spare for that one, and right when my coworker Jeremy got his lunch break, I handed him the spare and asked him to open the bathroom door. He tried and said it wouldn't work...suggesting maybe the key wasn't the correct spare afterall.

Jeremy is Caucasian, as am I. Our other coworkers at the moment were Ben (mix of Hawaiian and Filipino), Jeanette (Latino), and Steven (African American). As Steven was not stuck behind a register or at the bar making drinks, I handed him the key (after Jeremy gave up and walked away) and asked him to try it. He got the door opened no problem, and retrieved the women's key. I slapped him a high 5 and told him he was a hero.
Then, upon mutual consent, we agreed it was worth it for him to try to get the men's bathroom door open too, using a Starbucks card to jimmy the lock.
End result was that it didn't work...but the thing that I offer commentary on was the discussion that took place while it was being attempted.
Jeanette and Ben were whispering to each other and laughing. Ben eventually let me in on the discussion--that if there was a person to break into the bathroom, odds were better for Steven or Jeanette because of their ethnicity.
I smiled and shook my head respectfully, adding a, "You're saying I am not the one to try it, huh?"
At that Ben started laughing and said pointedly to me, "You are SO white!"

I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that.
My first inclination is to be who I was made to be and say something like, "and proud of it!"...but I can't very well say that or I run the risk of sounding like a white supremacist or something, which I most certainly am not.
At the same time I don't want to say, "Unfortunately" or something to that effect and disown my entire heritage either.
So I ended up noting that one of the things I most love about Starbucks (at least in LA) is that the diversity is amazing. And I mean that. I love meeting/working with/getting to know people from all different persuasions of culture, economic background, and personality.

In Hollywood--at least East Hollywood--white people are a minority. That took a little getting used to when I first moved here 4 years ago, but now I kind of like it. An aquired taste maybe...and it gives me a whole new appreciation for what anyone who is not white must feel like in the midwest.
The majority of people I interact with can accept me for who I am. When people refer to me as a White Girl, I'm usually not offended...cuz that's what I am.

The interesting thing is, I seem to get the most grief from Jeremy...who not only is the same race as me, but also from Wisconsin. Granted, he is from Milwaukee and I am from a town of less than 5,000 people, but come on--it's still the same state!
Jeremy doesn't seem to think so though. He's got this certain reverse ethnocentric vibe to him which places me in an entirely different category in his opinion. In an Us vs. Them mentality, to him, I seem to definitely be the 'them'. But although he looks a lot like John Lennon, he claims to be a black man in a white man's body (don't worry, he's really not insane...)...

I don't begrudge the fact that my manner of speaking sounds "funny" to some people, or that I hail from an area that doesn't seem "cool". Whatever. God put me there for a reason. The nice thing is that I think I've gained enough maturity to realize I don't have to feel put off by any bad vibes sent my way because of these things. I insist on being myself--that's one big lesson I've learned in my walk with God thus far--and if that's not good enough for other people, then that's their deal.

A couple of nights ago, Jeremy was making fun of me for something (good-naturedly, mind you) as our young, Armenian co-worker Harout stopped in. Harout followed up Jeremy's barb with a comment like, "You're just too country, Kristie." That almost made me laugh, and I explained to him that among my family (rural to the bone), I'm considered too "city". In fact, one of my uncles has called me 'city slicker' from the time I was in elementary school.
Maybe there's just something in my DNA that determines I'm meant to always be on the outside, the 'them' circle...ah well...
sometimes it can be heartwarming.

I remember growing up during the cold war, and how Russians were not looked upon favorably. I have one uncle who's a history buff, and it was not uncommon for him to make sport of Russians...I think probably mostly in the realm of hockey, but I don't honestly remember.
When I was like 8, this uncle got a cat, and I somehow managed to usurp his authority to name the pet when I dubbed it "R00-shik"...a name I made up to sound Russian.
Fast-forward a couple decades and I have at least two friends who know how to speak some Russian. That's cool, huh?
All of this leads me up to the point that I get asked *often* at work if I'm Russian or can speak Russian. Why? Apparantly I look the part. So much so that the people who ask me are shocked when I tell them no.
A couple of days ago, 3 older gentleman came to the counter and ordered 3 coffees.
At the end of the transaction, one asked if I spoke Russian, and I honestly felt bad saying, "No, I'm sorry I don't...but I get asked that a lot."
He replied with, "You look very Russian...you remind us of our homeland from a long time ago."
That really touched my heart.

No, I can't be something I'm not...but I can be used to reflect God to people no matter where they--or I--are/am from.
[Forgive this post if you think it's cheesy and/or too loosely constructed. I'm not saying it's neither of these things, but rather, that I and what I write can be a little of both from time to time. Wow, I'm getting too deep for my own good...time for sleep.]

VH1 article on upcoming album by The Mars Volta

Another cut and paste link if you're interested:
http://www.vh1.com/news/articles/1537073/
20060725/mars_volta.jhtml?headlines=true

The Mars Volta is one of those bands that's just on the edge of my appreciation radius. I've got their album Frances the Mute and it has provided me with lots of motivation during various jogs and plane/bus/car rides. I also get to feel a bit cultured because half of the lyrics are in Spanish.
These guys are not commercial at all. Sometimes you have to be in the right mood for all the musical carryings-on (for example, driving to LA with my friend Jamin, I put the cd in for a spin and it was the only cd I played that he politely asked me to stop and explained he found enduring some of the sounds to be akin to torture) and weird lyrics (such as "umbillical syllables..." and "When all the worms come crawling out your head..."), but if you find yourself in that space, then The Mars Volta can truly sound brilliant! [Please excuse my poor attempt at squeezing 3 different thoughts into one sentence. I'm in a hurry.]

Anyway, they are coming out with a new album. Not sure if I'll get it or not, but this article is an interesting read. One snippet: "This album's a commentary about the fear of God instead of the love of God, which goes hand-in-hand with Catholicism," he said.

[P.S. one day later: here's an article on the Group Seether:

http://www.vh1.com/news/articles/1537141/
20060726/seether.jhtml?headlines=true

Shaun Morgan is a very interesting guy, and I think he could
use all the prayers anyone is willing to offer up for him.}

Filled with Compassion and a Concert Review...

Sympathy

Briton Riviere

I am the dog.
Actually, it's been a real theme for me this week...Sympathy/Empathy brings with it a certain unsolvable misery, but I find it to be a good reminder that God's compassion is alive and well within me.

One of my coworkers at Starbucks is into branding. Yes, like cattle get branded--he chooses to brand himself. I got a chance to ask him why when we were working together a few nights ago. It was an enlightening conversation. Throughout it though, I felt this immense sense of compassion for him--to the point where I almost started crying. Suffice it to say, I think it's tragic that sin and the fallout of it in this messed up world deform so many of us beyond the point of being able to be healthy or even have a desire in our hearts to seek good things, but instead we become attracted to the sort of pain we think we can control...

Friday night at work I had a crazy encounter with a lady who I really think was high/mentally disturbed/a prostitue or a combination of all of these things. In a nutshell, though she didn't know me, and the only interaction I had had with her all night was taking the bathroom key from her during my lunchbreak (she was in the bathroom for a long time and I was waiting in line, but the exchange of the key was not rude), in front of my coworkers and a long line of customers she felt the need to call me a string of nasty names (think 10 swear-words linked together) more than once. It got to the point where I told her to step away from the counter and that if she didn't leave I would call the police. I was shaking from the adrenaline build-up within me (I'm like that), but I wasn't scared. More sad...she obviously has problems and I hope she gets help for them.

My pal Foxx also had a major shakeup on Friday night, which I shouldn't really make public info. My heart went out to her though, and when I talked to her on the phone Saturday afternoon, her pain was very real to me. [Viva La Foxx!]...

The concert @ the Hotel Cafe last night was great! Scott G. and I got there in time to see the opening band The Glass Plastiks and I'm glad we did. They were quite good, and if you live in the LA, I recommend trying to catch a gig...I might even try to track down their album.
During the last few songs in their set and on through Cinjun's, I felt this amazing spiritual vibe...I often do at concerts. Call me a heretic, but I think when truth is represented (in lyrics and such), God is there.... Anyway, it was at the point where like I seriously just wanted to fall onto my knees and soak up God's presence, but no I'm not that much of a social deviant...yet. ;)

Cinjun's voice is amazing and hard to describe...maybe the emotion and honesty of Bono mixed with the quality of angelic tone. Seriously, track down a Remy Zero tune, and then you'll understand.
Most of the songs from his set were ones I was unfamiliar with...probably from his Spartan Fidelity project with his brother Shelby that I've been meaning to buy online since about 2004...
Even at first listen, these songs were beautiful.
One line really struck me, though I probably forgot the exact wording...something about, "I paid an old man a dollar to leave me alone" and the chorus was something like "What am I turning into?" Wow--that's living in Los Angeles, baby. You could just hear the self-disgust, shame, and despair in his voice too. Most of Cinjun's songs were, well...melancholy would be an apt term. He has seen his share of heartache, for sure...and I found my heart aching for him in turn (ok people, not like I was crushing on him, rather empathizing with him), and I wish I could have given him a genuine hug.
I've seen him perform a few times now, and I'm pretty sure he's a bit shy. He is one of the most gracious musicians I've ever come across though (as was Remy Zero as a whole), and he thanked the audience for coming MANY times.
Towards the end of the set he played a few RZ songs, ("Prophecy" and "Life in Rain") which were lovely, but without Shelby singing along you only get half of the picture. (One of the things I loved about RZ were the harmonies, how pieces of their songs fit together, and even overlapped.) THEN, he invited former RZ bandmates Cedric and Jeff onto stage to perform a *new* RZ song with him (does this mean a new album?!!!), and then track #1 from their classic Villa Elaine album as a finale--"Herme's Bird".
Cinjun just lit up when C&J played for him...he's definitely more suited as a lead singer than a solo performer as it frees him up to fully concentrate and gesture meaningfuly with different lines. After the new song, he sort of bent down and leaned his head into Jeff's shoulder as he smiled. The message was clear and I think we all got it...it felt so right for them to be playing together and I think Cinjun had missed it a lot. Finally, Cinjun looked absolutely vibrant when the audience joined him in singing the final chorus....

I was trying to find further info online about what Cinjun is up to these days...mostly I just found the Spartan Fidelity website. A few of the links on it are to Buddhist-geared websites. Cinjun has actually sported the bald-head look since I first saw a RZ video back in '99 I think it was...don't know if that is because of his spiritual beliefs or just a coincidence.
Anyway, all this to tell you that once again my heart just felt encompassed with a sadness for him...

Sometimes I'm not so clear in explaining stuff like this, but I seriously think that God lets us feel his heart sometimes. He is sad when people are ravaged by life. He longs to give compassionate hugs. When people are blind to the truth, it cuts him to the quick... He longs to free many from the chains of addiction and emptiness.

If nothing else this bitersweet cloud of emotion I find myself wrapped in can be turned into the gunpowder of many an earnest prayer...

Or not...

Fitting in with my last post, my plans for this weekend took a different direction than I had intended...

I had been planning on going to Tiajuana today (my first trip to Mexico) to help people from Kairos (my current church) build an orphanage.
I knew it was going to become a bit of a push as I closed last night and didn't get home till about 2am. We were supposed to meet up and leave around 6:45 am. A few different things popped up in the last 24 hours, and the final deal-breaker was that V (my pal S's husband) got very sick to his stomach last night and finally threw in the towel on the trip @ 6am this morning. I was a bit disappointed, but ultimately not sad, and went back to sleep with only a little guilt...

It works out all for the better, mind you. There are a multitude of reasons I can't get into right now, but one I will mention is this: I am hopefully going to go see Cinjun Tate perform at The Hotel Cafe in Hollywood tonight.

Cinjun Tate (in the pic he's at the Mic, while brother Shelby is behind) was the lead singer of one of my FAVORITE bands now defunct, Remy Zero. I saw them live about 3 times (maybe 4 if you count an in-store performance at the Electric Fetus). Cinjun's other claim to fame was that he used to be married to Alyssa Milano. Didn't work out...alas.

My concert-friendly pal Andrew has plans for the night, but thankfully I don't have to brave the intimate venue (I saw Lisa Germano perform there a few years back, and was even on the guest list thanks to one Benevolent Sebastian Steinberg...anyway the place is rather non-descript on the outside, but very cool on the inside) alone. My friend Scott G. has agreed to accompany me, so unless there are any road bumps in the next few hours, I should be able to have an enjoyable night and a full report in the future.

In other news...I had asked for prayers at the end of last week. God has answered me pretty clearly, which is great. I've been staying with my pals S and V. Kairos will soon be splitting into two churches--East Side and West Side--and I had been thinking about finding a 2 bedroom apartment to rent with them (S&V), and joining the West Side peeps. However, something about the direction just wasn't giving me peace...
Long story short, my direction has been altered a bit. I'm now going to try to find a place to live in or near Hollywood, and probably a roommate too. I'm going to plug into the East side group, and hopefully be able to get involved with a sort of youth group partnership between East Side Kairos and another church called Hope International. More details as they come into focus.

God Writing #20: "...every plan is a tiny prayer to father time"--Death Cab for Cutie

[Yes, I'm posting this week's GW early cuz the upcoming weekend looks to be packed full...Oh, and in case you end up skipping over this post, consider this your warning that the following post contains an unpleasant image. So don't hold me responsible if you're squeamish...!]

6/24/06
"I know, O LORD, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps." --Jeremiah 10:23

In my walk with God, I have come to understand that He's not often 'logical'. The world might tell us A leads to B which leads to C. God, on the other hand, might lead us from A to Q, then up to F, down to X, and so on before we get to C. I think this is the sort of thing that commonly causes a crisis of faith.

I can think of many examples from my life that seem puzzling at best...
When I moved out to California four years ago, it was out of obedience. I really felt it was something God wanted me to do, but my heart remained in Minnesota.
When I got to New Zealand, I attended a church service with a mission challenge. Those of us who were willing to go anywhere for God were asked to stand up (I did). Afterward, instead of feeling led to some remote tribal people, I felt very strongly that the Lord was leading me back to Minnesota.
Last summer, while in the midst of a short-lived relationship, I was sure that my course was set. I was looking forward to getting married and even starting a family in the not-too-distant future. It seemed to make perfect sense. But then the relationship sank, and I haven't dated since.
At the beginning of 2005 I realized I really wanted to invest my life into working with youth more. I joined Eaglebrook church last May ('05), and volunteered with Route 212--the Senior High ministry. I knew it would only be for a year, but I jumped in.
This time as I came back to LA, it was with the motivation to partner with my friend Stacey in creating a teen center. We don't know where the resources will come from or how long it will take to start it up. In the meantime, I'm attending Kairos--the church I originally came out to help plant...a church with no real demographic of teens yet.
I'm also staying with Stacey and her husband Vinay in the Western part of LA, while I'm working for my previous manager at a Starbucks in Hollywood. That's a heck of a commute, but so far, I feel like I shouldn't change either option.

I could keep going, but I'm sure you get the picture. My path in life seems to be less of a straight shot, and more of a curvy slope. Sometimes when I just don't get it, I'm tempted to wonder...Is God crazy?...Am **I** crazy?
But insanity can be subjective. As Shakespeare once wrote, "There's a method to my madness" [that's not a direct quote btw]. While we're in the maze of life, we can't fully appreciate the magnitude of every turn we make. But the Lord has a bird's eye view--as we seek his direction, He can be creating something through us that is more wonderful than we can comprehend.
The ultimate example of this is Jesus. Is it logical that God would pay the penalty of our sins Himself? Is it logical that the King of Kings would be born in a barn? Is it logical that the Redeemer of mankind would be beaten beyond recognition and endure even death at the hands of His creations?
No, but that was God's perfect plan! And even when things looked most hopeless--between Good Friday and Easter Sunday--God knew what He was doing, even if no one else did! Can't the same principle apply to our lives?
"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." 1 Corinthians 1:25

Proverbs 16:3 promises us, "Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." I take that to mean that if our hearts are obedient and correctly motivated, we don't have to sweat the details.
Proverbs 16:9 sort of reiterates this: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."
Also, Proverbs 19:21: "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." and Proverbs 20:24 "A man's steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand his own way?"

God has known the plans I've had for my life. I'm sure they have given Him a chuckle or two. Ten years ago, my plan was to stay in my hometown forever. Now, that even makes me laugh.
Many people suggest it's a good practice to draw out a 5 year and 10 year goal sheet for your life. If you enjoy that sort of thing, Great! But I've given up. My life has become an unpredictable adventure. My current plans for the future are simply pliable hopes.

At our Route 212 Leaders' Retreat last September, the second-in-command leader (Mr. Aaron Freer) shared an anecdote with us that has stuck with me since. He told of how this business guy went to volunteer with Mother Theresa in India for a while.
When the guy had his orientation, Mother Theresa asked him what she and her sisters could pray for him during his time there. The man gave a brief account of a few different things going on in his life, and said he surmised what he could most use was clarity.
Imagine his surprise when Mother Theresa quickly denied his prayer request!
A bit incredulous, he asked her why she would not pray for God to give him clarity.
"Because," she answered, "I see that it is the one thing that is keeping you from trusting God completely."

And so the challenge continues...my life is filled with seeming contradictions. I may not often understand them, but I endeavor to trust God with them.

Staring Problem

[my apologies if the following Photo is disturbing to viewers, but it seemed to fit well with the theme of what I was going for...]











It is said, "The Eye never has its fill of seeing,"
but I willingly submit mine
to be forever shut
and therefore be freed from the perpetual
Beauty and Pain
that dance across my retinas
then fall like icycle-daggers into my heart

Count me among the blind
by choice
and hand me my walking papers
But may it be an irrevocable decree
so that my memory might also one day forget.
Four other senses continue on strongly--
Let them absorb the blessings of the Accursed
May sweet blackness envelop me from this second onward
even in the brightest light

When I look in your eyes
it feels like home
and I could be happy there forever.
But the shame I bear
is that the gate remains locked
and the Key is not to be found...
So I pledge to quit looking
but these eyes--
these STUPID eyes--
cannot help but be drawn in by yours.

Random bedtime thoughts

Yes, I relate with Garfield...believe it or not.
I think "morning" is relative...about three and a half years ago I was doing opening shifts for Starbucks and I got up at 2 am, went into work around 4 am, and my shift ended shortly after noon...even then...
I'm not the sort of person that jumps out of bed with a smile on my face. I try not to be a crank either, but some days...
I was reminded of this issue this 'morning'. I went to bed around midnight last night, so by 8 am I should have been set. More than set. When I was working 3rd shift for ACR in MN, I almost *never* got 8 hours of sleep! Of course I also had the challenge of staying awake even through completely exhausted stages, but whatever...

I went to the beach for a church picnic thing Sunday afternoon, and a few hours later a headache began. This ALWAYS seems to happen when I go to the beach for a church-related activity. (Yes...all 2 or 3 other times in my life I have done so.) I can run on the beach and be fine. I can go at dusk/nighttime and be fine...but Sunday afternoons? Forget-about-it!

So I woke up this morning with the headache having gained a tighter grip over me as I slept. It was way hard to get up. Too hard. After reading my Bible, I laid on the floor with my feet up and passed in and out of consciousness for another hour.

Why am I sharing this? Don't you have better things to do than read about me wasting my time by sleeping in? Well...maybe I'm just trying to share my life. Or maybe there is some grain of reality to be gleaned from this anecdote. Or maybe you really are angry that I just wasted another 30 seconds of your life by asking these questions...

Regardless...I think I slept around 9 or 10 hours this morning, and I could easily have kept going. It was by sheer will power that I got myself on my feet. Tylenol helped a bit too.
I remember when I lived in Hollywood, I would often wake up and look at my face in the bathroom mirror--big puffy bags under my eyes--and think to myself, "This place is killing me." I thought when I went to New Zealand I would be very rejuvenated. Well, a little probably...but the harsh reality is that my body seems to need a couple of hours to adjust to waking life no matter where I'm stationed. Bleh...

The moon looked crazy tonight as I drove home. Clouds were covering it--I guess--but they were so dark, it looked less like clouds and more like only strange sections of the golden orb were visible.

I was thinking about happiness this morning. I think of happiness as a distinctly different feeling from joy or contentment or peace. For the most part, I think it's highly overrated (as in, it's not the sole most important thing in life), but certainly enjoyable. I thought of how 2 instances I feel most happy in are 1)Singing along with certain songs and 2)those 3rd person perspective moments where I just completely appreciate a peson/friend for who they are/their personality/quirks.

On the flipside, do you have spots in your life that seem to be forever tragic? Things that, once remembered--even the slightest dusting off--bring a bitter sorrowfulness to your heart? You live around them...try to heal...even manage to forgive and mostly forget...but the shadow remains and you just can shake it--just grit your teeth and steel yourself every time it passes over you?
That's one thing in life I don't think I'll ever figure out.

Lastly, I have some big decisions looming on my plate, friends. I think I know what my choices should be, but the more confirmation I can get, the better...and I also need the Lord to open up a few doors for me if I am to follow him as I suspect he's leading. Your prayers on this, and over me in general would be most appreciated. Yes, this is a shameful solicitation, but perhaps not so intrusive as one of my notorious mass emails...

I laughed so hard at work tonight that my eyes watered. I never remember that happening to me before. I've laughed really hard before, but I never remember my body doing this. It happens to my aunt Sharon a lot. Maybe it's one of those age markers. Just promise to put me out of my misery if I get to the point where I literally pee my pants during a gut-buster.
Please Lord, not that!!!

Oh, and I was busted recently on my voicemail message after I got an LA #. I recorded the greeting during my lunch break at work, and both Stacey and Foxx told me they could tell my mouth was full. Dang it! So I recorded a new message on my way home from work tonight...it sure doesn't compare to the Wayne's World parody of old, but my mouth has nothing but words and spit in it this time around...

Ok, time for me to sleep. I give you permission to continue on with your regularly scheduled life. Thanks for lending me your brainwaves for this brief transmission. End radio cast...

God Writing #19: "We have nothing to fear, but fear itself..."

6/16/06 (?)

I've been in LA for almost a week now. It's kind of funny to me how moving sort of pushes my reset button...one area this is very evident in for me is my struggle against fear.

Some people laugh in the face of fear. I become like a prisoner weighed down by its chains. Some people are Fear-less. I am too often Fear-full.
Almost anything that involves doing something unfamiliar, or going somewhere unfamiliar, wraps my stomach up in knots. Sometimes even when I can convince my mind not to stress out, my gut does its own thing anyway.

During the trek back to LA, I was catching a ride with a friend who drives a semi. We had to stop at a mechanic's for a while, as well as drop off and pick up a load in New Mexico. If I could have become invisible for the duration of that time, I gladly would have taken the option. I was afraid to get out of the truck, and afraid to let my friend out of my sight. Why? Because I felt like I didn't belong there and that made me afraid.
We stayed one night in Texas. Though the workers at a Subway where we ate weren't incredibly courteous, the hotel people were. But friendly or not, the whole time I was again gripped with Fear. Why? Because one word out of my mouth would prove me to be a Yankee among all these Southerners, and maybe that meant I wasn't welcome...

For the record, I *KNOW* this is notably illogical thinking on my part. Fear doesn't have to be logical. It often isn't. What's scary--a dark alley that might be hiding a mugger or a dark alley with Bob, a homeless guy, sleeping in it who is so lacking he might just forceably take someone's money to pay for liquor or drugs to numb the pain of his reality?

This might be a backwards egotistical thought, but I'm prone to believe I have more of a fear struggle than the average person. That makes me feel like a real chicken a lot of the time. It's encouraging then to see how often in the Bible God tells us not to fear/not to be afraid. So...I guess that's proof I'm not the only chicken out there anyway.
Before Moses left Joshua to lead the Israelites, he encouraged him with these words: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them [Israel's enemies], for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you, nor forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6)
The book of Isaiah includes many "Do not fear/be afraid" verses. One of my favorites is 41:10--"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I like the simplicity of Psalm 56:3--"When I am afraid, I will trust in You." I can't always promise to be courageous, but I can promise to turn to God when I'm scared.

I love Psalm 4:8 too--it shows complete confidence in God's protection. "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."
A few years ago I saw this Antonio Banderas movie called The 13th Warrior. I can't say it was a great film, but one scene has really stuck with me. In it, this group of Vikings are inside a house or something, waiting for the imminent attack of this terrifying creature.
It's dark, and as night progresses, they know the attack could come at any time. Instead of wearing themselves out with worry, they just decide to go to sleep. Staring at the face of death, these Vikings found calm and peace enough to sleep soundly. "Wow!" I thought, "I want to trust God to the point where I could do that too!"...I'll let you know if/when I get there... :)

Psalm 91 encourages me too. It starts out talking about "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High." V.5 promises, "You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at mid-day. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you."
Truly, each battle with fear is a testament to God's grace and strength in my life. The chains might weigh me down some days, but Christ frees me. And with each snap of a link, my faith continues to grow... "I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me form all my fears." (Psalm 34:4 a verse I'll never forget, thanks to Welmore Mile/Beauty for Ashes's song "Hospital Band")

I drove to and from Hollywood by myself yesterday. That's a good start for me! :)

A thought for females to ponder...

Guys, this is your warning--if you read this and aren't happy with the subject matter, don't hassle me.


So, Ladies, I've considered this before and tonight I'm going to ask it publicly...
Is it *really* PMS that puts us in a crummy mood or rather an ingenious corollary of Murphy's Law that frustrating things pop up en masse during that precursory window of time each month?

FOR REAL!

Keep praying for Korn's Jonathan Davis!

Here's a cut and paste link to an article on VH1.com...
http://www.vh1.com/news/articles/1536179/
20060712/korn.jhtml?headlines=true

For those of you who remember when Brian "Head" Welch of Korn became a Christian, you may also recall that Davis was very outspoken in his displeasure of what had occurred.
I really feel like God has been trying to get this guy's attention, and his recent illness seems to go right along with that.
Now might be the window of opportunity to storm the throne of God with prayers for Davis so that his heart is softened and he accepts Jesus' gift of salvation while the fragileness of his own life is still fresh in his mind.
Please offer one or two (or a hundred) prayers up for him as the Spirit leads you.
Cheers!

Pirates!

So on Sunday I went to see Pirates of the Carribbean #2 with S&V.
Now, first let me say that the original was a rip-roaring good time, and I saw it 3 times during my tenure in New Zealand!
A sequel seemed rather superfluous to me, and indeed it has the feeling of being a sequel--and a part 2 of 3 at that! However, the 2 and 1/2 hours or so did seem to fly by. When the ending credits started to roll, I found myself harumphing--"Not already!"
I'll spare you a long commentary on the film, as I frankly don't have a whole lot to say about it. There are a few holes in the plot and filming, but it still comes off better than a run-of-the-mill action flick.
One thing I do want to comment on, and it includes a plot spoiler...so if you haven't seen it and don't want anything given away, now would be a good time to navigate away from this page. :)

There is a scene in about the middle of the film where Elizabeth Swan and Captain Jack Sparrow exchange a sort of, well, prophecy to each other. Elizabeth, who had just made a point of comparing her excellent moral fiber with that of Sparrow's rotten one, tells him a time will come when he will (out of curiousity) choose to do good in a situation that would otherwise not benefit him. He, in turn, forsees Elizabeth embracing her inner Pirate (out of curiousity) and being selfish at a poignant moment.
At the end of the movie, we see this happen.
Davy Jones' (no, not the Monkee, the sailor) beastie the Cracken is trying to hunt Sparrow down. Elizabeth , Will Turner, and several other known crew members just barely survive the monster's first onslaught of The Black Pearl.
Sparrow had sprung for a lifeboat to make a speedy get-away, but as he watched his 'friends' fight for their lives, he opted to return and help them. And rightly so, as due to his help, the creature is fended off for a few minutes.
As the surviving members collect themselves, they realize that rather than defeating the Cracken, they have just angered it. Their only chance for survival involves getting to shore. They begin to load the lifeboat, when Elizabeth pulls Sparrow aside.
She commends him for being a 'good man' and returning to the ship to help. Then the engaged-to-Will-but-not-yet-married lass begins to aggressively kiss Sparrow (which Will sees as he jumps into the lifeboat). Elizabeth backs Sparrow into a pole and handcuffs him to it before the kissing ends. She then explains that it's Sparrow the Cracken wants, and her (and the rest of the crew's) only chance for survival is to make Jack stay behind with the ship.
So while the small party rows to safety, Sparrow appears to get eaten.
At the tail end of this movie Elizabeth seems distraught and inconsolable...there also seems to be a growing divide between her and her beloved, Will.

Something about this theme thread touched me very deeply when I saw it. I have a hard time describing why, but I completely related to Elizabeth...not for obvious reasons, but metaphorical ones.
The deed she does is born out of the plan for self-preservation and acting in fear instead of in love. She takes control in the only way her brain can divise a plan for. Had she more time to think about the consequences, I bet she wouldn't have done such a thing. She betrays the life of a friend (Sparrow) and the loyalty of her fiance in order to achieve a goal in a way that is in her control. After the fact she realizes her mistake, and though she is consumed by guilt she cannot confess it. She comes face to face with the realization that her soul is not stainless and her heart is selfish and piratelike.
Don't we all...?
I felt very tragic as I left the theatre...

I see the theme of redemption written all over this movie, and I hope it is completed in Part III.

In an unrelated note, as I was driving away from the beach this morning, after a jog (yes my foot is feeling well enough to go to the beach again--hooray!) I saw a seagull gliding through the air. I promised myself then and there I would publicly record my appreciation for these birds. Sure they may be harsh scavengers (Pirates of the bird world?), but they have a certain beauty that cannot be denied. Graceful and effortless they weave through the air. What's not to be admired about that? :)



[googled photo from weartv.com by Randall Morris of Florida]

Return of the Gimp

So last night at the gym, I only had 45 minutes and I had had a big lunch earlier that day so I decided to run on the treadmil and exert some major energy.
My left ankle/foot have not gotten back to tip-top shape since that major sort of injury a few weeks back, but running for over an hour on the beach has been more than doable on several occaisions. Plus, last week I secured myself a new pair of running shoes AND gel heel-inserts to cushion my poor feet-sies. I thought I was set.
I was wrong.
Stupid treadmil.
Stupid foot.
I had a hard time sleeping this morning because the thing was hurting. Walking around today (fortunately a day off from work) has been rather humorous. It's like my brain is automatically trying to prevent pain so it won't let my heel go down. I end up looking like I have a major problem as I step down toes first with my left foot and then quickly switch my weight to my right.
Blah!
I'm hoping that after a day or two it'll go back to a semi-normal state again. Vinay lent me an ace bandage to help me in my hobbling around and it did make things a bit more do-able, but not by much. Now I think I'm putting extreme pressure on the parts of my foot (like the outer arc) that aren't used to it and they are hurting lots too. But when I'm sitting down, like now, all is fine except for the acknowledgement of a swollen sort of feel.
Moral of the story:
If your foot isn't in perfect condition...AND/OR if you don't have proper shoes...Don't run on a treadmill. Ever!
Aren't you all better people for reading this?... :)

By the way...I went to see Pirates of the Carribbean 2 yesterday and I give it a thumbs up. Might comment more on that later...and if I owe you an email, it will come soon, I promise.

P.S. This is my 100th post.
Thanks for being part of the journey. I'll alert you when we reach #557. :)

Spinach Scare

[pic from Wishbone Dressing's website]

Dang guys, it's now officially 1 am and I need to get to sleep so I can get up to make it to the gym with S in the morning.
But first, a final blog post for the night...
If you ask a person what their favorite food is, pizza is probably the most common answer in this country. When I was very young I said Pineapple, and when I was a bit older I changed my answer to buttered noodles (especially egg ones!). Over the last year or two though, I've decided my current answer has to be spinach.
I have a spinach salad for lunch most days of the week. It's super yummy...sometimes I even find I have a craving for the stuff after a workout. PLUS it's super-nutritious...on one brand's bag it mentions spinach as a superfood. Hooray for being healthy AND tasty!
So tonight, S and I got back from the gym (yes, and we're going back in the morning--you've observed correctly) and I popped a recently bought slab of Trader Joe's frozen spinach lasagna into the microwave for quick consumption.
A short time later, as I finished the last forkful and delivered a short accolade of praise to Trader Joe's and the exact foodstuff I had just gobbled down, S's husband V looked at me seriously and said, "You should be careful how much spinach you eat because it can give you kidney stones."
I called him a filthy liar.
He insisted and mentioned that his dad (living in Puerto Rico) had recently suffered a horrible bout of kidney stones and the doctor told him he should sharply reduce his intake of spinach. I asked V how often he ate it. Answer: Once a week.
What the?!!!
I passionately lobbied for the nutritional value of God's leafy green gift to mankind, all the while thinking in my head, "Well if I die in the next 15 years, the odds are pretty good that I won't have to suffer the agony of a kidney stone..."
I get really frustrated with food. Even when a person tries to be healthy, it seems to bite them in the butt. The best I think we can do is enjoy what we can while making dietary decisions to the best of our abilities.
Meanwhile S was googling the key words.
Yes, friends, it's true that spinach contains stuff referred to as oxalates, which hike up your risk for kidney stones. BUT, according to this lovely website:
http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=foodspice&dbid=43
most people don't have to worry about it and the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks.
Phew!
Cuz I seriously might take my chances of kidney stones if asked to decide between a future including them or one without spinach.
If you get a chance to check out that website, I've given you the page for spinach's profile. My favorite sentence from the profile is this: Although Popeye ate spinach to boost his strength, it's more important for menstruating women, who are more at risk for iron deficiency.
Ha!
Popeye compared to menstruating women--I bet he never saw that one coming!

God Writing #18: Peace Out

[from australiafauna.com]


[this pic is from a website called grow a brain or something like that...didn't see a copyright so I'm using the image unabashedly!]

6/2/06
Is there any one particular state of mind/being that you hunger for above all others? Perhaps it could be joy, a sense of accomplishment, love, humor, adventure, forgiveness, unity, etc. And whatever your particular preference is, not only does its presence crown your life, but its absence leaves you writhing in want? Well, for me, that would be the component of PEACE.

How much I value peace is easily seen from what I enjoy. I think my favorite animal is a koala bear, and pictures of these furry creatures snoozing contentedly in treetops always bring a smile to my face. Second to that, cats purring make me happy too. In life I especially enjoy the moments of crawling into bed and forgetting everything except how good it feels to rest--or even waking up before my alarm and just laying there for a few moments as I listen to the world around me. Some people feel most alive when they are wide-eyed and have hearts pumping with adrenaline. I feel most alive when I'm crouched in a corner with my eyes shut...just listening.

Times of transition and intermittent occaisions of being in the middle of something beyond my control are the most qualified Robbers of my peace. As long as I can organize my life and schedule, troubleshoot, and make adjustments far enough in advance, I'm cool. Reacting on the fly and having issues pop up that I can't handle alone are things that often turn my insides into a boiling mess of anxiety and stress.

A couple of my older (more experienced, thusly more knowledgeable) friends Stacey and Scott have before shared their understanding with me about how God grows us. Namely, if there's some sort of faith test we often find ourselves in, odds are we will keep going through it until we finally 'pass'. Even then, the rules might change a bit, and we find ourselves struggling to pass the next level...and on and on throughout life. If that isn't a sobering thought, I don't know what is! But I guess if you keep your eye on the prize, the eventual rewards of character building are worth the blood, sweat, and tears of life's trials.
Lord knows I'm making progress in my peace-retaining tests, but we both know I have a LONG way to go...

Peace is an important thing to God, and He wants his children to be living in it. I'm not talking specifically about peace as a flipside to war (that's a whole other can of worms!), but the peace of our hearts.
Proverbs 14:30a says, "A heart at peace gives life to the body..."
The priestly blessing the LORD gave for Aaron to bless the Israelites with (which the church I grew up in used as a closing benediction for every service) as recorded in Numbers 6:24-26 goes:
"The LORD bless you and keep you;
The LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
The LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace."
After Jesus was resurrected, the gospels of Luke and John record his greeting when he appeared to the disciples as "Peace be with you!" In John, we see the phrase more than once. Now understandably, part of that is probably a sort of "Don't freak out! I'm not a ghost!" encouragement. But having just conquered death, and completed the pathway for our salvation, you have to believe that a Victorious Jesus is also offering his disciples a blessing of what they need most--and apparantly, that's peace.

Indeed, the very character of our Lord contains the element of peace. Isaiah 9:6 prophecies of Jesus: "For to us a child is born...And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace..."
Galatians 5:22 lists peace as one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit.
Paul concludes his 2nd letter to the Thessalonians with the sentiment, "Now may the Lord of Peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you." (3:16)
Before Jesus' crucifixtion, he tells his disciples, "Peace I leave with you, MY peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27)
Philippians 4 contains the famous verse about a peace that passes all understanding. Not surprisingly, it also points out that this peace is of God: "And the peace OF GOD, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds IN CHRIST JESUS." (v.7)

I've experienced that sort of peace before, and it's a wondrous thing. Recently, I had to get my car towed twice in the space of about a week. The second tow occurred when I was about a 45 minute drive from the mechanic. I had plans both days to meet with various friends and would normally have been on a tight schedule. But by God's grace, these upsets didn't throw me into a tailspin. I felt an overwhelming sense that things would be ok, and rolled with the punches. Now...if only I could've experienced the same during the four days my car was in the shop...

I'm sure that everyone knows what a beast anxiety can be. When you hop onto the worry treadmill, it keeps you running while you go nowhere. Your mind replays situations over and over again, and you feverishly attempt to figure out worst-case scenarios, your odds for survival, and damage-control plans.
Proverbs 12:25a tells us something obvious: "An anxious heart weighs a man down..."
In Matthew 6, Jesus tells us not to worry and even goes on to show how pointless it is. "'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear...'" (v.25a) In other words, don't get bent out of shape about the details of everyday life--God will provide what you need (v. 26). "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?..."

Jesus doesn't leave us hanging by just saying, "Don't." As noted already, he encourages us in reminding us we are valuable to God and He will provide for our needs. He reiterates this in vs. 32-33: "'For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righeousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.'"
1 Peter 5:6-7 gives us further practical instruction. "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
Going back to Philippians 4 (and the peace that passes all understanding), we see in verse 6 our bridge to verse 7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Isaiah 26:3 puts a perfect cap on all of this: "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

From my perspective, I can boil down every ounce of anxiety I've ever felt into that one simple phrase--in other words, it all wells out of NOT trusting God. With trust comes peace. We know God loves us and has promised to provide for us. Even in the midst of a difficult time, if we remember his love and promises, we can wait patiently and continue to walk hand in hand with him.
But when doubt comes, despite our best intentions, we soon find we are out of step. Anxiety and worry drive wedges between us and our Lord. It's a humbling thing when we realize true trust means even when--Especially when--life doesn't happen the way we had planned it. Despite a thousand blessings in our past the question arises--"Can I still trust God to get me through THIS?"
I have to tell you, I'm so thankful that God has grace for us. Countless times I've been so myopic that I wave away remembrances of God's past faithfulness to me, and instead continue to chew on the uncertainty of my current situation. If God possesed the mere human patience of even a good friend, I'm sure he would've kicked my butt to the curb a long time ago.

In John 16:33, Jesus also sympathizes with this challenge in life. "'I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.'"
Every step of Faith requires trust. Every trial we face requires Faith. These are the tests I currently find myself taking, and hoping that I pass this time around.
I need to find a reliable car I can afford when I get to LA. I need to get used to driving in LA traffic and finding my way around the city. I need to wait for God to open some doors before Stacey and I can move forward with creating a teen center. I need to solidify old friendships and create new ones. I have to re-acclimate to working at Starbucks and rise to the capability of becoming a manager. In an area where crime is common place, I have to trust that God will protect me. The list goes on and on... Any one of these things could cause me to be troubled, so heaping all of them together is a fantastic opportunity to sort of sink or swim...

And I'm still kicking. I admit that over the last few weeks it has been a struggle for me to hold onto that Peace God offers me. Many times I've been on the losing end. But I sometimes think it's the very fight itself that makes God smile. If I don't roll over and quit trying, then I'm winning the war--if not the battle.

Psalm 34:14b and 1 Peter 3:11b are basically the same verse and they speak of a person who must "seek peace and pursue it." That's encouraging to me, because it shows that peace can indeed be ellusive. If it was always right in front of you, you wouldn't need to seek it. If it was always in your grasp, you wouldn't need to pursue it. Seeking and pursuing are also not necessarily synonymous with finding and catching. Sometimes we might search for peace and find none. Sometimes we might run after it and not catch up. Regardless, friends, let us never quit trying to obtain it.

New cell phone #

Yes, you should've gotten an email from me about 11 hours ago letting you know that I have a California # now instead of a MN one. If I accidently overlooked emailing you, let me know and I'll give you the new digits!
Crazy how much of a run-around it was. At one point customer service told me I should go to a store to change the #. At the store, after waiting for about 15-20 minutes for a rep, I was told they couldn't do it, and I needed to call customer service. Thankfully, when I finally had the gumption to call (last night) I talked to a guy who knew his stuff. He had me set within 10 minutes.
Ah, life.

blurry vision and such

So I've known I was near-sighted for over a decade now.
If you've ridden in a car with me behind the wheel, no doubt you've heard my "don't laugh at me, I have to wear these glasses to drive" disclaimer. I did go with contacts for a few years, but gave up on the operating costs they incurred when I moved out West 4 years back.
Most of us with vision handicaps understand that the odds are as you age, your eyesight is prone to get worse not better.
It's a real bummer.
I look at both my grandmas and they have major seeing issues. This is the gene-pool I'm pulling from. Denial will only carry me so far.
I caved at some point and decided I would resign myself to the expensive fees of an eye exam and more contacts because my vision seemed to be taking a nose dive. This decision was made probably last winter...but it keeps being brought to my attention...
For a short time I thought maybe I could blame it on working third shift, but I've been back in the daylight for well over a month now, and things don't seem to be improving. Drat.
In fact, in the morning my eyes are bugging me more than ever. I rub them often, hoping to clear away the haze. I guess it's not that simple.
Why don't I just go get things taken care of, then?
Well, honestly besides my procrastinating health care tendencies, I'm in that crunch right now where I have about another 2 months before my health care with kick in with Starbucks. And, I never got COBRA info from ACR when I left, so I don't know if I'm covered, and have zero ambition to track down the answer. So I'll wait...

And don't tell me to eat more carrots! I have nothing against carrots, mind you, but the idea that they improve your eyesight is mostly hooey. I found this out from Starbucks' benefits webpage info. The amount of Vitamin A that goes to your eyes is pretty minimal.
Speaking of the devil though, did you know that too much Vitamin A can be bad for you? Serious, peeps, it can put you at a high risk for a hip fracture. If you take a multivitamin watch out--if you get 100% of your RDA from it, then any food you eat with Vitamin A (and if you're like me, that's a lot!) puts you over the top. Not good! What's more, this info is not well known...I was looking at multivitamins in Trader Joe's the other day and found a women's vitamin with 200% of your RDA for Vitamin A in a serving. Crazy! I frowned intensely at the bottle and put it back on the rack.

As for other vision problems, in a metaphoric way I discovered once again a corner of the social domain where I can't see very well. A few days ago I guess I really offended a friend who stopped in to say hi to me while I was at work. When said friend asked if I wanted said friend to wait around to talk to me on my break my answer was, "It's up to you!" It's really hard for me to guess when I'll get my breaks at Starbucks because it's an unpredictable place..."it's the nature of the beast" I say. I don't like asking people to wait around for me, so I thought it was the best answer to give. I guess I was wrong. I asked Stacey for her take on it this morning, and she kind of laughed and said she thought 95% of people would've been offended. She surmised, "You're a woman of few words, and those you offer aren't well understood by most people."
Ok friends, put that one on my gravestone.
Calvin Coolidge would be proud.

No Right to Complain

I'm ok
and the breeze cools my skin
I'm smiling on the inside
Even as I look past you
I am Full I am Full I am Full
Sometimes so much
I have to spout like a fountain
and the breeze is gentle
ever blowing

I'm ok
so ok
and more than ok
I'm happy without reason
even when It disappears
and the right melodies
choke me up in sobs
I am Full I am Full I am Full
even when I'm empty
and the wind stops in its tracks

The smile is there in my tears
because the pain is not born of regret
only life and its choices
and facing my less-than-a-mustard seed
while I long for a boulder
That stands firm in the gusts
But I am Full I am Full I am Full

of the tears and the smiles and the wind
and hopes that my vision will clear
and I'll see my whole story one day--
not as the alternate ending of a
Choose Your Own Adventure
But the divine novel You intended from Page One
And it is Full It is Full It is Full
of subplots

[googled image is called Allegory of Faith by MORETTO da Brescia from Web Gallery of Art...so beautiful--I can't believe I hadn't seen it before...]

Quote and concert options

So I did my laundry this afternoon, and while the clothes were sudsing up, I began this book that my friend Mari gave to me last fall/winter called Lady in Waiting. Before you get nauseaous, let me defend myself in saying this book is NOT 1)a romance novel NOR 2)a How To Get Hitched for Single Christian Female Dummies manual. Rather it's a book about having your heart in the right place, no matter what your relationship status. Mari highly recommended it, and by mid-way through chapter 2, I am encouraged and challenged by it.
Hooray.
So I ran across this quote in it by this guy called A.W. Tozer. I think he's a famous Christian author and/or theologian...I know a few years ago I happened upon the name and thought it funny as I thought it was the name of the evil ghost overlord thingy from Ghostbusters.
Anyway...
Here's the quote:
"A whole new generation of Christians has come up believing that it is possible to 'accept' Christ without forsaking the world."
Wow. That caused me pause for thought.
My first question was--Do I fall under this umbrella? I thought about how much emphasis I tend to put on using the things of our culture to reach others for Christ (redeeming value as Emergent Christians might say...). It was a serious question, so I was glad when the answers leapt up in my heart--softly, but adamant. No. I had--I have--I am forsaking the world daily. I might be living in it, but I know the value of worldly things is peanuts compared to the value of Kingdom things.
My second question for myself was, am I being clear in my example to others? This issue is what is a little bit blurry for me. I thought about the students from Route 212. I tried to remember a time we had addressed this subject head on. If it happened, the memory escaped me.
So I think to myself, this is something I should make a point of addressing in the future. Often I take for granted that people understand things that seem obvious to me. Many times this is not the case. This could be one example...

Now on the subject of relationships and whatnot, I will offer a slim iota of commentary. Why? Just because it's good to remind myself of nuggets of truth sometimes. Today I actually heard an acquaintance/friend of mine talking about being single. Said friend [in order to protect the innocent, I'm trying to be as anonymous as possible with this--no revealing of genders even!] mentioned feeling unable be interested in anyone else for this time slot in life.
I've felt like that before too.
Times like that I sometimes think I was born to be single.
But the flipside is, the stretches never seem to last very long. I've found myself in a number of different context-es (how do you pluralize that word?!!) over the last few years what with different living locations, churches, jobs, etc. Even though I've only dated a grand total of 3 guys, I usually find at least one prime candidate for my interest everywhere I go. In other words, there's always options. My conviction is that with trusting these major sort of things into God's hands I can trust that the number of near-hits were never meant to be more than a reminder there are some good quality gents roaming the planet. Which is an encouraging way to remain single and patient. I think.

Now in my last bit of unrelated schpiel, I was recently given an LA summer concert calendar pamphlet by my pal Scott G. (not to be confused with Scott M--aka Spot). After scrutinizing every listing last week, I've come up with a total of 3 concerts I *might* be interested in seeing.
I pitched the idea to Andrew last night, and he seemed a possiblity for concert-going comrade. (Lord knows we've been through it before...Andrew even got a second of airtime in Phantom Planets video for "California" from some live concert footage at the Quest...I was standing right next to him, but couldn't pick myself out in the shot)
Nevertheless, just in case Andrew opts out, or even if he opts in, I thought it couldn't do any harm to post which concerts I'm interested in seeing. Then if anyone I know happens to peruse this (I'm looking at you, Spot) and decide they would also be interested in attending one of these shows, it could turn into a fun little outing. (Hooray!) And if any of my out of state and/or country peeps wants to fly in for a visit and a show--by all means!
So...contact me if you have ganas (as my friend Ann would say).

1)Monday, July 31: Beth Orton @ Avalon
2)I lost the paper, but Friday or Saturday August Something or other...Death Cab for Cutie...at the Greek maybe? I could always check on Ticketmaster....
3)Thursday August something or other: **MARS VOLTA***& The Red Hot Chili Peppers @The Forum

So Begins another week

I meant to go to bed early tonight, but then I turned on the computer.... ;)
Don't fret though, dear friends, it's only a few minutes after midnight and I fully intend to brush my teeth, change into my pajamas, and hop into bed after throwing out this post. [I always want to say "throwing up" a post, but can't handle the allusion to puking...oh crazy language...]
So this is going to be another random post.
I feel like the week just flew by...indeed time often seems to be escaping me at quick rates these days. It's like being dizzy, I think. Once my head stops spinning, I'll be doing just fine.

What have I accomplished at the close/beginning of another week?
Hmmm...
Well I did go get myself a new pair of running shoes on Friday. I didn't get a chance to use them yet, but I intend to go for a jog along the beach tomorrow morning. My left heel is still not quite right, but not putting up too much of a protest.
I also finished a short biography I had picked up on Martin Luther. I got it at a Northwestern bookstore for like $3. It was an interesting read. After being so caught up with seeing the movie Luther, this biography grounded me a bit more and illuminated where the movie might've been using their dramatic license...I may just put up some more thoughts on this at a later date...
My California driver's license also came in the mail this week. Huzzah! I'm official! The picture looks 10X better than on my Minnesota license too. Serious! It took me 2 and a half trips to the DMV to get this thing, (1/2 being when I got bum directions from Mapquest and couldn't find the place) so I'm glad the ordeal is over with.

Other than that...
I saw Nacho Libre tonight with my friend Andrew. I laughed a lot, but it was one of those movies that doesn't penetrate. I would rate it as worth seeing once, but it sure as heck is no Royal Tennenbaums. Andrew and I also squeezed in an episode of The Young Ones (an old British sitcom from the '80s) before going to church tonight...about 5 years ago we watched all the episodes with our pals Foxx and Dan C...good times...
Stacey and Vinay have been gone for the weekend, but we did take some time last Tuesday night to pray together.
Thursday I got to see an old friend from high school--Jeremy--as he passed through town.
Otherwise, I'm still working on getting together with the handful of friends I have out here in LA.
I'm looking forward to Spot (aka Scott M.) coming back out here in another month or two...he's been busy up in Alaska over the past couple of weeks and I haven't had the chance to hear from him much. I'm starting to miss the punk.

Starbucks has provided me with a great sense of community in the meantime. I enjoy working with most of my coworkers...and of course those I am not warming up to so easily are probably the ones I have the most to learn from. It's been a tad overwhelming to get thrown back into everything after a few years on hiatus...and at a very busy store too. I'm starting to get into the groove again, and I LOVE waiting on customers. I'm still not quite into the brain-working-in-supervisory-mode yet though, but I'm hoping by the end of this next week I'll feel more confident.
I was thinking the other night of what the difference is between when I was 2