Pics! (Cleaning out my email inbox)

Well, I thought I could leave you with a few pictures for the long weekend that I'm offline, and multitask by clearing out some of my hotmail inbox. The good news is that 3 pics successfully downloaded. The bad news is that 3 others didn't. Fie! Ah well, enjoy the good, I guess...

These first two were delivered to me courtesy of my Kiwi pal Matt Chamberlin. He's the tall guy on the right. Matt was passing through on his way to a Young Life Conference in Colorado. This pic is from January of this year. Matt is Young Life New Zealand's only full time, full blooded Kiwi employee. Three cheers for him! We're at Disneyland if you couldn't tell. My friend Andrew (another Cheese-head goes Hollywood!) is Mr. Stripey Pants on the left. You can access his myspace page via the link on my sidebar. I'm next to him. The Kiwi Nicholson family (currently serving as missionaries in Niger) are in the middle: children Kimberly, Brandon, and Johnathan are encased by Mom--Frouke on the left and Dad--Chris on the right. Good times!!!


This was me, Andrew, and Matt waiting in line for the Indiana Jones ride. The girls in my ABS told me they thought I looked EMO in this. WHAT?! I was wearing a blue polo shirt! Maybe it's the pigtails...haha!



And this is a pic of my friend Melanie Wrenn surrounded by some Native Mexicanas during her missions work in Mexico! I met Melanie during my stay in NZ--she's super cool! She's currently back in Jacksonville, Florida...but odds are that the Lord will lead her back into some sort of Latino missions again soon! :)

Good Night Moon

My third shift days are once again coming to a close. Tonight is the LAST night I'll be working 12 am- 8am, at least in the forseeable future...
I do have another shift (albeit only one hour's worth) on Tuesday, so I'll wait to gather my thoughts on the job I'm leaving.
For now, I will tell you this...

Things I will NOT miss about working 3rd Shift:

• Getting so tired that the voices in my head sound real ("Wait, I'm on Oprah?!")
• Feeling completely full one minute and absolute ravenous the next. I'm guessing that's got something to do with the sun not regulating my appetite. It's weird though!
• Trying to stay awake on the weekends and not accomplishing much in the process.
• Eating junk in a vain attempt to wake myself up
• Being so tired that I start speaking in Spanish (o debo decir, 'trato a habla en espanol pero no recuerdo mucho de la escuela y olvido muchismo!' Don't even ask me about conjugating future tenses...that lesson has fallen out of my head!) in an attempt to jar my brain into some sort of action.
• Dangerous driving due to drowsiness which sometimes required me to hold my breath or inflict some sort of pain on myself so as not to be lulled to sleep by my deceptive mind...

Things I WILL miss about 3rd shift:

• the peace, quiet, and stillness of the night
• the strange fits of inspiration that struck me while the rest of the time zone slumbered
• having lots of time to think due to working primarily by myself
• being able to do things any way and how I wanted, being I primarily worked by myself
• having the chance to listen to (and often sing along with) at least two cds a night while I was cleaning
• Along with the radio, singing to a couple of the residents when they were awake...they are pretty much the only people I've had the guts to sing to...and mostly because they couldn't tell me I sucked as they don't speak. It was good times though...
• Watching reruns of Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Some of his stuff was rubbish, but I got more than a few laughs out of the show...especially the fake interview clips with Ah-nuld and his shameless promotion of Jingle All the Way :)

Random fact...the last 3rd shift-ish job I had was from October of 2000 to about April of 2001. At that job I worked with mostly all guys, except for Yvonne--the temp who trained me in--but she left after January. At my current job, all of my coworkers are females. And 3 of the 4 residents are females too. I guess this yo-yo coworker extreme makes me versatile!

[photo from bbc...what a nightmare to try to find a nightsky jpeg that isn't blatantly copyrighted!]

God Writing #11: High Fashion

Since I'm going to be in Wisconsin for the weekend--starting Thursday--I'm posting this week's selection early again. :)

4/16/06

I own exactly two pieces of pink clothing. Both were given to me as Christmas presents by my mom, in a covert attempt to infiltrate my wardrobe with color. I wear each with only the utmost discretion.

Last weekend I was back in WI to celebrate my cousin Vernon's birthday. I planned to spend Saturday night with him, and Friday night with my gang of friends.

I figured it would be safe to wear pink around Vernon, but after my arrival in WI, I second-guessed the functionality of my pink shirt paired with a short, dark blue t-shirt underneath. I thought we might be going to Chuck E. Cheese (turns out we didn't), and didn't think I could bop around much in the combo. So instead, I opted to wear it on Friday night.

Next to my semi-famous, 12 year old "Mean People Suck" t-shirt, I think this particular pink number pulls in the most commentary (the other pink item I own--a sweater--is reserved mostly for fancier occasions, so not many people see it)...much to my chagrin. This go-round was no exception...

I guess I can understand the shock of seeing me in it. The majority of my clothes are dark and/or dull-colored--black, navy blue, gray, dark green, brown... What can I say? Those are the colors I like...

Honestly, clothing often frustrates me. I see it as primarily functional (keep our bodies warm and protected from the elements), though it's also nice to make personal statements (hence my large collection of t-shirts) and feel comfortable in the process.

But what about fashion--looking your best and using your body/clothes as moving art? Well, I'm not against it per se--and indeed, I believe good stewardship stretches into this realm too--but it's certinly not my forte. Let's face it: If the fashion police were on patrol, I'd get slapped with fine after fine after fine.

What a relief it is to me then that (as far as I can gather), God seems to be infinitely more interested in our Spiritual Clothes over our physical clothes.

Spiritual Clothes?! Yes! For Real!!!

For starters, Isaiah 64:6 warns us that our natural wardrobe is rather lacking. "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags..." What the imagery suggest we are 'wearing,' is basically a quilt of our own life's deeds. Even when we try to 'act good,' we don't come out looking so stylish...

It's interesting to contrast this passage with Revelation 19:8, where speaking of the Bride of Christ--aka the Chruch--it says, "'Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear.' (Fine linen stands for the righeous acts of the saints.)"

Whoa--hold up! One verse speaks of filthy rags, and the next of fine linen. Polar opposites, yes? But what material are both made from? Righteous acts. Is this a misprint?!! I don't think so. Where's the jump then? Well, allow me to disclose my line of thinking...

In Matthew 22, Jesus tells us a parable about a wedding feast. The people originally invited refuse to come, so the King tells his servants to go to the street corners and invite "anyone you find." The servants do this and gather both "good and bad." (v.10)

You can imagine that plenty of 'riff-raff' showed up to this banquet. Yet, rather than being offended or repelled, the King seems to be very happy...until he sees one person.

"'But when the King came in to see the guests, he noticed a man there who was not wearing wedding clothes. "Friend," he asked, "how did you get in here without wedding clothes?" The man was speechless.'" (vs. 11-12)

Would it make sense that out of all the vagabonds who showed up, only one would be improperly dressed? And vers 13 documents a dramatic change in the King's behavior toward this man: 'Then the King told the attendants, "Tie him hand and foot, and throw him outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."'"

Wow, sounds like he was rather offended! Is that fair? This poor guy is invited to a royal banquet, shows up, then gets singled out by the King to be tied up and given a first class ticket to Misery-ville? That hardly seems right...!

But what about the other guests? Could it be that everyone was offerred wedding lcothes upon arrival to the castle? If so, then perhaps this man was being belligerant in refusing the gift, and dishonoring the importance of the banquet altogether.

Consider this: Hebrews 11:6 tells us that "Without faith it is imoossible to please God..." Ephesians 2:8 says, "For it is by grace you have been saved--through faith--and this is not from yourselves it is the gift of God." Hebrews 12:2 calls Jesus the "author and perfector" (Maybe we could also say 'Tailor'?) of our faith. Romans 4 speaks of Abraham's faith being credited to him as righteousness (vs 5,9), as ineed our faith will be to us. Philippians 3:9 also speaks of us "not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, thut that wich is through Faith in Christ--the righeousness that comes from God and is by faith." Jesus also tells us in John 14:6:"...I am the way and the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the father except through me."

What I think the gist of this part of the parable is, basically amounts to this guy trying to get into the banquet by his own good deeds rather than through Jesus. Our lesson is to take those wedding clothes freely offered to us; all of our righteous acts will be like the linen if they spring from faith/Jesus'righteousness and love, which is in us.

Furthermore, Romans 13:14 instructs us to clothe ourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ. For nice accessories, Colossians 3:12 encourages us--"Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." 1 Peter 5:5 echoes--"All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another..." Colossians 3:14 also states, "And over all of these virtues PUT ON love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

1 Peter 3 gives some timeless advice to women in the church. "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For in this way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful..."

The truth is, I don't care much here on earth if my clothes go (stay?!) out of style, or even make me look frumpy. But I am very set on looking my spritual best--getting the brand label of JESUS and styling with the gifts of the Spirit. Only in God's eyes do I desire to become a high-fashion model.

[Googled pic from BBC news...and forgive any possible spelling errors as I'm basically falling asleep while trying to type this up! Ugh!]

2 articles from VH1 and a weird dream

Before I explain the pics, here are [cut and paste] links for a couple of interesting articles on VH1.com...

The first is http://www.vh1.com/news/articles/1532632/
20060526/love_courtney.jhtml?headlines=true

This is an article about Courntey Love, who I guess is writing a sort of book of memoirs. In my opinion, Love is one of the most tragic figures in celebrity-dom and I feel led to pray for her (and her daughter Frances Bean) often.

The second is http://www.vh1.com/news/articles/1532605/
20060526/flaming_lips.jhtml?headlines=true

This one is a bizarre write up about how the lead guy from The Flaming Lips gave a recent high school commencement address. I don't listen to The Flaming Lips very often, but I can appreciate that they are weirder than virtually any other band out there. Their current single, "The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song" (I think that's the name of it!) sports a video that features the lead guy getting strips of meat stapled to him and then being chased around by a werewolf at the end. I had 2 opposing thoughts after reading this article: 1)This is the best advice that can be offered to seniors at this high school?! and 2)There actually is a bit of wisdom in there...just not wrapped up in the sort of package I appreciate...

And since I just woke up a wee while ago and it's still fresh in my mind, I have to share with you just a snapshot of a bizarre dream I had.
Part of it featured Richard Moll (aka Bull from the old tv show Night Court--that's his pic at the top of the post) and we were in this house where these wolves were running loose. We figured we were ok unless the wolf puppies came by us, because then their parents would find them and probably attack us. Turns out the wolf puppies popped up everywhere! Sparing you the details, Moll eventually disappeared and my old manager from Starbucks took his place. I determined that fighting the wolves head on would be pointless as they'd likely rip out our throats (and I had misplaced the weapons Moll and I had found), so instead I dealt with the situation by taking a submissive wolf position myself (aka laying on my back and trying to look non-aggressive).
Stupid weird dreams...

Simply...

Do you ever find yourself having a bit of a verbal epiphany? Everything is normal, and then--suddenly--you use a word and it strikes you how said word has slowly set up camp in your brain lately and rose through the ranks of common usage to become a sort of tyrannical vernacular ruler? And even more so, not only has it done this to you, but also taken many other hostages unaware and is virtually on the edge of being an incognito catch phrase? Furthermore distressing, do you find that even though this word clearly has self-important ambitions of conquering all of the English language, that it has somehow endeared itself to you--caught you in its bloody talons--to the point that you don't even want to use a different word in order to put it in its place?
If your answer is yes, then join my sorrowful camp.
I have survived the days of Cool, Awesome, and Sweet.
But even in their mightiest moments could they compare with the unbridled power of the age we now find ourselves in?
I'm talking, of course about the word
AMAZING

amazing adj
1. so extraordinary or wonderful as to be barely believable or cause extreme surprise
2. outstandingly good, skillful, or admirable (informal)

You're amazing, it's amazing, the opportunity is amazing, God is amazing...there is no dark crevice this word cannot penetrate. Partner it with the word 'so', and you really better watch out!
I have resigned. It now holds sway.

What I'll miss most about my car...

Sorry my camera isn't worth spit...I thought I was onto something when I finally peeled off the plastic over the lens but...nah!
Anyway, the answer is My Bumper Stickers.
Fo' Real.
Ok, so I have duplicates of the Zutons sticker and Gomez's Split the Difference decal (that's the yellow and white blob on the bottom right corner of the first picture), but the big red blob is straight from Maui and expresses the sentiment : "Share the Road with Aloha".
You can't find something like that in LA.
Argh.
RIP bumper sticker.
On the other hand, it does provide some humor to imagine my wonderful brother (macho, redneck, cowboy that he is) driving around Wisconsin with that message on his tail... :)

In other news, I'm retiring my camera phone before I'm tempted to amputate the stupid lens.

God Writing #10: Old Clothes

[This googled image is lifted from an interesting looking blog www.fullydevoted.blogspot.com which at a glance appears to be written by a Pastor from Michigan. Yay for fellow denim-loving Christ Followers!]

4/9/06
I've been thinking recently about how I can form a strange sort of bond with my clothes.
It's true that some shirts survive years in my closet without seeing the light of day more than once or twice a year. Others I've owned for over a decade and still wear with some degree of regularity.
Blue jeans are probably most obvious in my hesitation to part company with. A good pair of jeans is next to impossible to throw out. Holes appearing in the knees just knocks the jeans down to the next bracket of casual--reserved for lounging or times I want to appear tough. When I was in New Zealand, my favorite pair of jeans developed a hole in a not-so-acceptable area. However, I couldn't bring myself to get rid of them, and instead continued wearing them for about another year, trying to be careful to keep the worn area hidden. It was a sad moment when the jeans finally found their way into the trash...
I have a pair of pajamas I received for Christmas over 10 years ago. The top resembles a baseball jersey, and it's just as comfortable. The passage of time has done a number on it though. The collar is painfully frayed and starting to rip away form the rest of the shirt. I still enjoy wearing it however, and as long as it holds together, I delight to have it in my wardrobe.

I have to confess that some of my loyalty is accompanied by more embarrassment. I have a jean jacket I still wear that I bought my freshman year of high school before a trip to New York. The cuffs of its sleeves are so tattered that my thumbs usualy poke through and give the illusion that I'm wearing a sort of glove. I sport a navy blue sweatshirt jacket underneath it that is just as well-worn and has a zipper that is both tempermental and eager to tear away from its station. The combo still keeps me warm so I hold onto it, though I often feel inclined to apologize when I wear them in public. I'd hazard to guess it's the sort of thing even a bum wouldn't think twice about passing up.

Perhaps I personify my clothes too much. I recount the trials and tribulations of life thus far and think too fondly of the items that have seen me through each...the terrain each shoe has tread... Maybe I blur the lines sometimes and confuse a shirt I wear with an actual piece of myself. And could it be that my desire to wear an article of clothing "into the ground" is little more than an outdated mindset that survived my grandparents living through the Great Depression and was passed onto me?
Look, I never claimed this quirk was rational, but it's an undeniable mindset/habit/preference deeply engrained into me.

While I was pondering this, I came across a bible passage that kind of caught me by surprise. Psalm 102:25-27: "In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish, but you remain; they will all wear out like a garment. Like clothing you will change them and they will be discarded. But You remain the same, and your years will never end."
This earth that we live in, this universe we occupy, is akin to my ragtag jean jacket. In the beginning, when they were first created, they were really something. The longer they last, however, the more time continues to wear them out.

One doesn't have to look far to see this. Scientists warn us that our polar ice caps are melting and in a few decades we may lose a good number of our coastal cities. The oceans being warmed only a degree or two are also spawning a record number of catastrophic hurricanes and cyclones. the earth's supply of oil, which man has come to depend on for much of our survival, is being drained to the dregs. Forests are being cut down, species are being lost, and no human invention yet created can protect us from the fury of ever-increasing natural disasters.
As Christians we know God has indeed promised there will be an end to the world as we know it, and a fresh start with a new creation. "Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea...He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!'..." Revelation 21:1, 5a.

Another thing that grabs my attention is how decisive God is in discarding the worn-out garment. He's bearing with it right now, of course, but when the day comes to throw it out, there will be no second thought.
Despite my irrational attatchment to future garbage-remnants, I think when faced with a choice, I would not be silly. Brand new pair of jeans or threadbare pair with holes all over? I'd toss the old in a minute and opt for the new. In the meantime, maybe I would be wise to take Solomon's sentiment to heart that there is "a time to keep and a time to throw away..." --Ecclesiastes 3:6b
Discernment is needed for each.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NEIL!!!!!!!

[Quick disclaimer...I'm pretty sure it's ok I use this pic as I didn't see a copyright...all the same I site my googled source as

www.skylighters.org/ larry/]

Neil Finn...the best singer/songwriter in the history of the world if you ask me...!

Neil turns 49, I believe, today in New Zealand where the date has already flipped to May 27th. Yes, they are that far ahead of us...

Perhaps one day I will find the words to give Neil a proper tribute in the annals of this blog, but for now, I simply wish him a wonderful birthday filled with family, friends, good music, and lots of love. :)

A short Neil quote from the photo-documentary book Neil Finn Once Removed, published back in 2000 (the book follows Neil on tour, and includes many of his thoughts about his life of travel): "At these times the spectre of another life beckons: down by the sea, getting to know my friends, being part of a community. (I know these images were flashing through Paul's head.) Instead, I wander from hotel to hotel, airport to airport, watching, waiting, a handshake, a photograph, an interview, so transitory and superficial, walls going up, polite to everyone, intimate with no-one, career and reputation, respect and success. Which bits really matter? I don't know."

God bless ya, Neil.

In other music-related news, any of you who are up late enough to see the Late Late show with the Craig guy who has a Scottish accent or something like that (apoligies if it's really an Irish accent...I haven't watched it enough to remember), tonight the much-acclaimed band GOMEZ will be performing. Huzzah!

Ok that''s all for now...God writing tomorrow, I think.

If emotions were like symptoms...

then the emotions that come from saying goodbye would be like throwing up. At least that's how I feel tonight... Not like it's all bad, mind you, it's just hard--and specifically harder to say goodbye to some people.
Tonight I got together with the girls from my ABS small group, along with a few other female leaders from my group.
We had a great time! God was so good in that I had prayed that I wouldn't burst into tears and start sobbing, as it was highly likely...and when I get going I can't even talk because my voice and such trembles like mad...and really, that makes communication almost impossible. So, hooray--God gave me strength and apart from getting a bit choked up a couple of times, I made it through!
One of the girls gave me a disposable camera as a gift, and we ended up taking a BUNCH of pictures.
I seriously can't do justice in a blog entry to just how incredible it's been to work with these young ladies this year. The best I can do is give you an analogy...you know how it is to go to an art museum or whatever and you see this amazing piece of art? You just stand back and soak up all its beauty and are amazed by it? You see how the artist's work in the painting has so many opportunities to touch people's lives and make a difference in the world. That's what working with these girls feels like. :) Their faith, obedience, and growth really inspires/challenges/encourages me...
People, let me tell you...if you feel like the Lord might be calling you to work with youth, give it a try. It's life-changing and world-altering. Seriously.
If you have a minute to pray for these girls, then I would love it! Their names are: Emilie, Ally, Alex, Cara, Kara, Mackenzie, Kristen, Lisa, Mandy, and Jami. And pray that Tanya would take up the torch and lead them next year!

In a somewhat unrelated note, I got the latest Fiona Apple cd--Extraordinary Machine--a few weeks ago and got a chance to peek at the liner notes last night. I love the lines she used to dedicate the album and understand completely what she means...
"Dedicated to my friends who are my family, and my family who are my friends..."

And I think it's Bob Dylan's birthday tomorrow. May is just full of good people. :) Bless ya Bobby D...your contributions to the world have been varied and many, though I still vote your son Jakob as the best!

[by the way, the pic at the top was a googled image lifted from blogs.ipswitch.com]

"No sense in following the best laid plans..."--Dave Dobbyn

Well, friends, here's the latest...
Mostly good stuff, but a lot has shifted in the last couple of days and not surprisingly, I haven't been sleeping the best (hence the insomnia pic)...I return to work for about 9 nights straight starting tonight, so I'm hoping I can pull through. I hate being tired. Ugh! (Incidentally, I guess I have yet to meet a person who enjoys being tired...)
Anyway...
My car is back from the mechanic who didn't charge me anything for the repairs. They ended up rewiring the cam shaft sensor (a repair I had done last week) directly to the computer and it seems to have taken care of the stalling problem.
However, after talking with a few different friends, I have decided it's wisest to ditch the car here in the midwest (my wonderful brother told me he'd buy it) and get a different car when I get out to LA. Not only does this rule out any potential road-trip catastrophes, but also would mean I could get a CA car that has already passed an emissions test and thereby save scads of money by not investing into a new catalytic converter for my hunk o' junk. The mechanic had also told me he could hear a bearing going out on the thing and some other minor problems (granted it does have 147,000 miles on it) so he was glad to hear I was going to leave it too.
Now I just have to trust that God will help me get (and afford!) a good vehicle ASAP when I hit LA.
Plus it looks like my much anticipated roadtrip with my pal Foxx is all but obliterated. She still has a week off of work and a plane ticket from LA back to MN already paid for. So...we're working on some options...might fly out to visit Seattle for a few days and then go to LA from there, might just fly out to LA together, Foxx might wait and try to roadtrip with me to Seattle another time, or we might have the option of riding out with our esteemed friend Jamin in his semi as he was planning on hauling my stuff out for me anyway. We'll see...
I will say that though it's been mighty stressful to have to make all of these last-minute (well to someone as planned out as I am, 2 weeks prior IS last minute!) adjustments and such, I've had a handful of wonderful friends who have been encouraging me, giving me rides, and offering their wisdom throughout this. So...yay God for ministering to me through your people!

"Fear...don't let it fool you, like it nearly fooled me..."--Gomez

[btw, this is a pic of a tonka tow truck from Amazon.com]
The weekend retreat was great, thanks.
Of course the events of this morning were something other than happy...
I had planned to head back home around 10 am, but I got up early and decided to leave an hour before.
Did I mention that I had a dream this morning that my car broke down again? I tried to write it off as paranoia.
So, I got into the vehicle, turned the ignition, and listened as the stupid thing chugged but didn't catch.
No flipping way.
I tried a few more times, to no avail, and made a couple of calls (on a barely there cell phone signal). After about a half hour of no positive results, I caved and went to request help from Pacem's staff.
An elderly gent came out to see what he could see, while admitting that he didn't know anything about cars. He fiddled with a couple of things, and surmised that it sounded like my car wasn't getting any gas. He asked me to push in the gas pedal while he peered under the hood--seeing what mechanisms lifted and such.
Having found what he was looking for, he gave the part a couple of taps and said a prayer, then invited me to start it again.
This time it caught and I was WAY happy! I thanked him and prepared to drive off when...it died. I frowned and tried starting it again. Again it caught, and the old guy waved me on, thinking if I got going maybe I'd be fine.
I started out strategizing where I would drive too--straight to the mechanic's or to my friend Foxx's place so her mechanically minded boyfriend Justin could take a look. I didn't have long to think about it, as about a mile (or less?) down the road, I felt a tiny pop and saw my speedometer crashing as it had last weekend. I pulled onto the side of the road and it died.

I managed to contact the mechanic's (much stronger cell signal where I stopped) and arrange a tow...I shudder to think about the bill considering it was a 45 minute drive to get to me.
When we got it into the shop, the guy took a quick look, told me it was running again, and suggested someone with more know-how should look at it tomorrow.

So I'm car-less again. And pretty frustrated.
The nice thing is that I don't work tonight or tomorrow night...so hopefully resolution will come. Also, I had a couple of things planned today, and my wonderful friends Foxx and Cheryl are going to give me transportation respectively.
I told the mechanic to call me before doing any repairs. Last week's bill was over $700, and if it looks like it'll be a hefty one again, I think I might just scrap the whole thing and try to find a different car.
UGH. Frustration!!!
In that vein, if any of you fine people has an extra car laying around that you'd like to bless me with, then by all means...!! ;)
Or if you know of any good deals, feel free to tip me off.
My bank account is ever-dwindling which stresses me out...big road trip out to LA, switching over to another job (which starts out paying much less than I make now), and looking at the possibility of trying to get an apartment with someone in a few months. Eeek!
I just keep reminding myself that God knows what he's doing and what I'm capable of...so if I end up becoming a bum somewhere in Oregon, I guess that's his perogative...
BUT HOPEFULLY NOT!!!

Final post before I close shop for the weekend

I know, I know, I'm throwing them at you left and right! Well, you'll have a couple of buffer days to catch up while I'm gone... :)

Just wanted to leave you with 2 final notes worthy of mention.
1)If you have some time, check out JR's blog (it's a link on my sidebar) as the reading today is very cool...plus I recommend scrolling down to his recent post on 'community' as well.
Here's an interesting quote I lifted from his latest entry:

Psychoanalyst Leslie Farber in The Ways of the Will: Selected Essays writes, "I can will knowledge, but not wisdom; going to bed, but not sleeping; meekness, but not humility; scrupulosity, but not virtue; self-assertion or bravado, but not courage; lust, but not love; commiseration, but not sympathy; congratulation, but not admiration; religiosity, but not faith."

2)Hats off to my pal Simona who is getting MARRIED in Hollywood this weekend. Hooray for God's goodness! A thousand happy wishes to her and prayers for a blessed future with her husband Ernesto. (I'm pretty sure that's his name...!)

God Writing #9: "Truth is Worth More than Pride"--Neil Finn

[Googled Image lifted from a website called mindfully.org]
3/31/06

This week as I was reading my One Year Bible, I came across a verse that nearly made me laugh out loud because of its utter candidness.
Proverbs 12:1 in the NLT reads, "To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction."
This is another biblical principle that is so much easier to repeat/give lip service to, than it is to live out. But it's also a valuable pearl of wisdom that I think is key to successful living.
On paper it looks so easy. Accept correction. Love discipline. Heed rebuke. But the invisible variable that enters into the reality of the equation is pride. When put on the spot, it becomes much easier to grow indignant. We ask, "Who is this person to think they can correct me? What do they know anyway? Doesn't the Bible say not to judge?" Like a puffer fish, we let our anger inflate us and attempt to intimidate our opponent. And just like that, we prove our own immaturity, folly, and stupidity.

Just when did we buy into the misconception that our vision isn't flawed? Life is a many-sided jewel, and most of us are only able to see it from one angle--we need our brothers and sisters in Christ to give us their viewpoints too, and hopefully illuminate more of the picture for us.

In Matthew 7, Jesus does warn us about judging. Verse 3: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" (He's helping us to realize that our vision is flawed.) But it doesn't end there. Jesus doesn't tell us to just be worried about our own vision problems and leave everyone else alone. Rather, in verse 5 he instructs, "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
How willing are we to let our brothers and sisters help us with plank-removal? If we swat their hands away, we're obviously more content to live with our continued visual blockages.

Sometimes in our pursuits of God, we ignorantly pray dangerous things. How many of us have echoed David's words in Psalm 139, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."? (vs. 23&24) Are we ready for the consequences? Are we ready to be called out on our pet sins and the things we try so hard to rationalize, and even the things we don't even recognize as displeasing to God?
"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."--Proverbs 27:6

For this is the way to life. Proverbs 10:17 says, "He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray."

I've seen people miss it countless times. In love, a trusted friend might bring something to a person's attention. Instead of considering the issue and praying about it, said person will get defensive, even angry. For their reply, they will offer a verbal slap in the face, or change the subject, or pretend to listen while their attention is really a thousand miles away.
I pray for the teenagers in my ABS group as this attitude is prevalent and easy to spot among them. The trick is that no one can make you have a humble heart--you have to seek it for yourself. What's more, even in high-quality youth programs, the issue is seldom touched and rarely modeled.
I have seen the wise though, and it's a beautiful thing. Seasoned vets with degrees in theology, or young children with obedient spirits...to see someone accept a rebuke and learn from it is surely one of the rare glimpses of heaven we can find in this world.

On the flipside, what about those of us who have offered correction, only to be burned by it? Common sense may say, "Once bitten, twice shy," but we can't allow fear to keep us from trying.
I feel a bit sheepish writing this as I know I struggle greatly with opening my mouth when I need to. If I find myself in such a spot, I usually beg God to have someone else be His mouthpiece. I've been snapped at, disassociated from, raged at, and reduced to tears. A few times, vindication has come down the road, and I've been thanked for speaking up. However, the majority of the time, this is nowhere near a person's immediate reaction.
Why do I keep putting myself on the line then? I promise you it's not because I like to put people "in their place." Actually, it kills me to do so. It's not because I think I'm a squeaky clean example to follow. Actually, pointing out the flaws in another person makes me painfully aware of my own. And it's not because I like causing a stir. Left to my own devices, I become a posterchild for the people-pleasing, 'let's keep everyone happy' camp.

"We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts..." 1 Thessalonians 2:4b
"'You must speak my words to them, whether they listen or fail to listen, for they are rebellous...Again, when a righteous man turns from his righteousness and does evil, and I put a stumbling block before him, he will die. Since you did not warn him, he will die for his sin. The righteous things he did will not be remembered, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the righteous man not to sin and he does not sin, he will surely live because he took warning, and you will have saved yourself.'"--Ezekiel 2:7, 3:20-21
"But perfect love drives out fear..."-1John 4:18b
"My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins."--James 5:19&20
"'If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him...'"-Luke 17:3b

Having noted the importance of correction, I should probably put a word in about the method. A tactless or selfish rebuke is certainly deserving of an unreceptive reply.
Remember to speak out of LOVE rather than irritation or self-interest. Ephesians 4:15 encourages us to speak the truth in love. Verses 2&3 add a deeper dimension: "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace."
Galatians 6:1: "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted."

Joyce Meyer is a well-known woman of faith with her own tv show. One of the times I tuned in, I heard her offer the principle that for every one negative thing you correct a person on, you should encourage them with 5 positive things. This could make things challenging if your list of grievances extends beyond one or two items, but it might also be a wise safeguard to not dump on someone more than they can bear in one sitting.

Accountability is a term we hear thrown around often in Christian circles. It can be a bit of a farce though, as often accountability partners choose to keep their walls up. I think authentic accountability is being plugged into a Christian network where you know people will call you out on things if they need to. We don't need to surround ourselves with minions of "yes" people and only those who "respect" us enough to not question us. Instead we need friends who see life a little bit differently, and who are willing to help us recognize our own eye planks so that together we might see more clearly, grow in wisdom, and better reflect our Lord to the world we live in.

A few ending notes from Proverbs...
"Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse. Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning." 9:7-9
"The wise in heart accept commands..." 10:8a
"Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice." 13:10

Some pics from my phone

Spot before the Gomez show--"No pictures!"

Me & Cheryl@ Keith's party Saturday

Sara & Jamin @ Keith's

Jess & Karl @ Keith's

Keith-man!

This was a sound engineer at the Gomez concert who looked really cool and was strong-armed into letting me take his picture...too bad it didn't turn out well...He was an olive-skinned, skinny English man with dreds down to his knees...use your imagination.

M'boys! :) Ian, Ben, and Tom from Gomez!

Sorry I couldn't get a closer shot...Olly and Blackie are in there somewhere too...

Did I mention I'm not working tonight? Wonderful PTO time...
So kudos to Scott who is helping me get these pictures from my phone to you. Uh...I only have this internet service on my cell phone for the first month, so I can't promise there'll be many of these...but while we have the opportunity, let's indulge.

interesting article and me soon-to-be-retreating

Post #60--can you believe it?! :)

Hey I just read this article that I feel the need to pass on...it's another cut and paste link d/t length so forgive me...
http://www.vh1.com/news/articles/1531899/
20060516/chuck_d.jhtml?headlines=true

This article is about music and protest and is quite thought provoking...here's a quote that really grabbed my attention:

"People like Neil Young are from a time when you felt one man can make a change, whereas young people in society today feel invisible."

Come back to us Rage Against the Machine...oy.

And just to keep you all in-the-know about what's happening for me this weekend...I'm doing a personal retreat thing at Pacem in Terris in St. Francis.
http://www.paceminterris.org/
Super-cool place and I felt very sure that I would need it as a sort of 'calm before the storm' so to speak. I'm heading up Friday around noon and will be coming back Sunday morning. In the meantime I probably won't be using my cell phone, except to check my voicemail...any emergencies would of course be responded to, but really, how likely is that? Maybe I shouldn't ask. Eeek!
Any prayers would be appreciated...especially considering that when you have to use the outhouse in the woods at 3 am, it can feel kinda scary.

I'm planning on throwing up (hahaha, not vomiting silly!) God Writing #Next (9?) tomorrow morning before I head out.
Till then, keep it cool my peeps!

Shout out to Ray and my Route 212 Peeps

By the way, if I owe any of you an email, I will get on it tomorrow. :)

So...It has almost been a year since I moved to the North metro and joined Eaglebrook church. Though there were a number of factors that got me to where I am, the highest spark of motivation remained that after doing some soul-searching back in January ('05), I concluded that God was calling me to work more with youth. My church in Minneapolis--The Rock--didn't have much of a teenage demographic, and certainly no organized ministry for it.
Fast forward through a bunch of exposition you already know or probably don't need to know, and here I am on the last official night of my year with Route 212 (Eaglebrook's Senior High Ministry).

You know how it is when you go for a long walk or a run? As you keep pressing forward, you take in what's around you...but it's only when you pause to turn your head around and view the distance you've traveled that the magnitude of where you are really hits you.
My string of comings and goings over the years have included a few such moments, and this would definitely qualify.

I'm meeting up with the girls in my small group next week one more time, so I'm not even going to hash out that yet. But I would like to share with you, dear readers, my deep appreciation for the leaders I have served with since September. Keep in mind that had I an entire novel to write, it still probably couldn't do them justice...so I'll merely offer up a few lines for a few standout people.

Lorena Vargas was a leader with the upperclassmen (I serve with the lowerclassmen) of our group, but from the word go she was like the glue that brought all of us together. She poured her heart into not only the girls from her own small group, but into my girls, me, basically everyone.

Jon Thomson (upperclassmen) kept us all in stitches with a sense of humor I could really appreciate. A month or two into the school year we discovered that we both work for the same company--ACR--and the homes we're stationed at are right down the road from each other! Jon was also the brave soul who volunteered to come with me and about a dozen of the students when we visited The Edge Christian Fellowship (aka "Goth church") back in February.

Lisa Ferguson was my faithful cohort leading the 9th and 10th graders while a few different guy leaders passed through the group. Lisa is one of those people that when I listen to what she says and observe how she interacts with people I am just in awe and humbled. Lisa takes all the nice talk and rhetoric of "loving people" and puts it into action.

Nick Giese (upperclassmen) was like the fearless leader of our whole group. Almost every week he invited us leaders over to his work office for a meeting an hour before our ABS time began. Not only that, but he also typed up an agenda for us! Nice. :) Though I never got to hear him teach, I was inspired to see how much he prepared for each lesson. His passion for building into these high schoolers was obvious and held in check only by his commitment to his family (that's a good thing!). Nick and I were also on the small team from Eaglebrook that went to a youth ministry conference in Chicago back in February...good times! Furthermore, Nick is going to be taking over the Senior Pastor postition of the Route 212 ministry starting in June. How cool is that?! It's such a blessing to get to see first hand how God is moving in a person's life...

Ray Miller was our group's area coach this year, and a fine job he did! Everyone that I mentioned so far has also blessed me greatly with their encouragement, but Ray tops the list. He's also a prayer warrior--and I do mean warrior. I've met many people who are devoted to prayer, but Ray is a real man among men. :) He humbly and faithfully serves at Eaglebrook, and I can only hope to reach that same caliber one day. Plus, like Jon, Ray has added a degree of comedic relief that is very much appreciated. ...I'll never forget how at the leader's retreat back in September we all had to play capture the flag in the dark. Ray, who is like 8 feet tall, went into total stealth mode and ended up crawling through a field on his belly and then hiding out in an outhouse for almost 15 minutes as he plotted his move to break our one teammate out of jail. Oh, and the jailer was this nice, but not very intimidating gal who is shorter than me! The thought still makes me laugh...Ha!

I can't even tell you how much I learned and was challenged to grow by these people, and a few others I didn't mention. I guess it feels like it must for old war-buddies...you go through a lot together and at the end you have this bond that you can't quite put your finger on. I'm reminded of a lyric from one of my favorite musicians, Neil Finn...
"In time you'll recognize that love is larger than life...and praise will come to those whose kindness leaves you without debt and bends the shape of things to come that haven't happened yet."

And you, reader, please consider taking a minute to pray for these people--even if you've never met them. Youth ministry is AWESOME and I think it's so key for what God's doing, but it can also be challenging and frustrating. As these friends of mine continue to serve, make no doubt that your prayers would greatly bless them.

What of me then? Final thoughts for the night? Lisa asked me earlier how I was doing, knowing that I must be experiencing some mixed emotions. To put it simply, yeah. It's hard to leave, but I'd be a fool to forgo the next leg of this adventure I call my life. And if all goes according to plan, this last year is going to be the launch pad for what comes next--ie more youth ministry.
I realize that's in God's hands, of course.
I will tell you I had a great moment of encouragement as I drove to church tonight though. This might get lost on everyone but myself, but I'll share it all the same...
I found myself following this Big Yellow truck that had some company name of "Big Slide" on it.
Underneath that is said: "Australia, Minnesota, Wisconsin" I had to rub my eyes to make sure I really saw Australia, but that was it! As I got closer I noticed the truck had California plates.
And what song came on the radio but Gomez's new single, "How We Operate" which I've come to think of in a spiritual context and taken on as my unofficial theme song for right now.
Whenever the chorus comes up I raise my hands and sing along:
"Turn me inside out and upside down,
Try to see things my way...
Turn a new page
Tear the old one out
and I'll try to see things your way..."

Keeping You in the Loop

Car is back and in working order.
What's that? You're wondering how much my bill was.
Don't ask.
Seriously.
It's depressing.
[sigh]
But at least it all hit the fan now when I'm around a mechanic I trust instead of in LA--or dare I even think it, the road trip out. The guy charged me cost value for a couple of parts and even gave me a break on labor, even though he had to waste a lot of his time wating around somewhere for a part I needed.
He also found out my car was salvaged...had been in an accident. Yeah, they didn't tell me that when I bought it.
So I called up my brother (who knows a LOT about cars) and asked him if he thought I should kick the old bucket o' bolts to the curb. He suggested that due to my investments, I should hold on to the thing, and odds were it might even last me another 2-3 years. I'm praying he's right!
So my car, the Liar, gets another chance.

In other news, I'm having complications with getting my old cell phone number ported into my new phone. Hopefully all will be sorted by 10 pm tonight, but considering the string of unfortunate events following me around as of late, I'm prepared for trouble. If I thought there was a chance you'd call me, I sent you an email already. If somehow you were overlooked, email me now and I'll give you the # to try to reach me at.
Considering my call volume, I doubt anyone will be put out by this temporary hold on my phoning activities.

Time for a run.

My Car is a Liar and other rainclouds...

Well, my auto saga continues...
The good news is, the mechanic sounds pretty confident that it'll be up and running by tomorrow afternoon...provided nothing goes wrong.
My wonderful landlord actually just let me borrow his van last night, and he's willing to lend it again tonight...phew. All the same, it sucks to not have a vehicle at your disposure... Not to mention that I left my glasses in my car at the mechanic's and I have a restriction on my license (I'm not that badly nearsighted though, I swear!)...hopefully I can get away with that for one more night.
Ugh. So I talked with the mechanic moments after having being jolted from sleep (not that I could sleep very well anyway with my constant wondering about my car...) and from what I understood, he said something like they had to get a used computer to get info from my car and somehow the diagnostic info it gave out was false. Hence...my car is a liar.
I didn't catch much more than that...just tried to sound coherent enough to give the illusion I understood...something about waiting for a part that won't get in until late tonight.
Bleh...hopefully all will be well tomorrow.
This pic is not my actual car (mine is a 2 door), but it's the same basic design. The funny thing is that I got this googled image from a message board entitled, "What's the worst car you've ever driven?"
[Sigh] Well, I give the old bucket of bolts good press, but this is the second time it has left me high and dry...I've probably invested over $1,000 in repairs into it over the last couple of years. I'm just hoping it'll get me to LA ok, and maybe even stick together for another year or two...even just until I start getting Starbucks manager salary would be nice...!

In other news, I mentioned a week or two ago that I'm trying to cut out trans fat from my diet as much as possible (after reading a scary article in a fitness magazine that referred to trans fat as the worst disaster in U.S. food-processing history). That means scanning ingredients for Partially (or fully) hydrogenated soybean oil...or Palm Kernal or coconut oil.
Man, this gets depressing!
Today I discovered that my beloved Eggo waffles AND the saltine crackers in my cupboard are marked by the nasty stuff. Farewell my lovelies... You tasted good for the first 26 years of my life...and your evil food particles will probably remain in the recesses of my body for the rest of my years, so in a way, it'll be like I never said goodbye.
It's HARD to eat healthy, yo!

And do you ever have a dream about someone you know that so completely disturbs you that when you wake up you feel a bit sick and wonder how you're going to be able to talk to said person again? Whether the dream makes you angry, disgusted, offended, hurt, etc. by the phantom dream friend it all has the same result. Ever have that happen? Happens to me time to time, and when I wake up I have to give myself a pep talk about how I can't be upset with the REAL person because none of the stuff just happened.
Well I had one of those dreams yesterday. The emotional residue has faded a bit, but it still makes my stomach cringe. Oy. Life...

Gomez Gig and Weekend Life

So the Gomez gig was Friday night, and it did not disappoint.
The Ever-Esteemable My-Pal-Scott went with me to keep me accountable because you never can tell when I might throw myself at a band's feet and beg to become their roadie...
The opening act was a guy called David Ford:
www.david-ford.com

Interesting guy. His stage presence reminded me of my old friend Craig Larson. Musically I thought he had a few songs that really packed a punch, and a few that bored me (mostly because his vocal pattern-as good as it was--didn't offer much variety). Scott and I were completely blown away by his 4th song called "State of the Union". If you read the biography on his website, it'll give you an idea...the song is kind of a rant about how empty and cold life can look. The website says it's a crowd favorite, and I believe it...the guy was up on stage virtually bleeding for everyone to see. I felt such a strong pull to pray during it. When he finished up I looked at Scott and said, "That was more than just a song."
He played only one more tune afterwards--a homesick ode to his wife and country (England). No cds/eps/or any marketing products available for sale--that is odd.

The sound quality at the Quest is usually a let down, and that rule of thumb held true for Gomez's set. Of course, I've noticed these guys have the tendency of pushing a song into maximum volume to the point that there's no where else for them to go...that doesn't really lend itself well to sounding clean and polished.
On the one hand, I have to give these guys credit for being true musicians. They refuse to play by the rules and give the audience what they want. They reinvent their songs continually...turning happy romps into thoughtful and reflective jams, and slower songs into feverish free-for-alls. They tease with playing a few bars from one song and then switching to another or playing a song 4/5 of the way through, then standing silent and still for a full minute while the ignorant in the crowd applaud at what they guess to be the song's end, and then finally giving in and playing the rest of the tune out.
On the other hand...that can get annoying too.

Another standout thing I like about these guys is that they're all themselves--they don't get pretty-ed up and play the Rock Stars. Two of the guys have glasses, one is a bit heavier, one is anorexically-skinny, one looks like he's ready to pass out at any minute, and one simply has a slightly odd look. But they are all great, and there's something magical in the composite.
Furthermore...what other band can you think of that has 3 different lead singers? Ben, Ian, and Tom all take turns at the mic, and all have their own unique style. It's like 3 bands for the price of one!

I was very glad I had snagged a copy of their latest release, How We Operate earlier in the week though, as the set featured about 75% of the tracks from it. Not surprisingly, there were a few tracks that I think I've come to appreciate more now after seeing them performed live...such as Ben's "Chasing Ghosts with Alcohol" which came across as much more soulful than the cd gave it credit for.
This is Gomez's 6th studio album (if you count the collection of bsides titled Abandoned Shopping Trolly Hotline and there's a live cd in there too--which I don't own, but would make this release #7) and true to Gomez nature, it has it's own unique sound.
My favorite album is still 2002's In Our Gun, but I found it a bit sad the the few tracks from it that got played at this gig seemed to feel a bit dated...like someone who looks around to find that their clothes have gone out of fashion. Make no mistake, the songs will remain gems no matter how many years go by, but their time for being played live and having the most 'oomph' behind them has obviously passed...alas.

I could go on and on about the concert and band, and I may well give you more to read about them in the future, but for now I must move on. I will simply direct you to
www.gomeztheband.com
if you are interested in researching them further. One disclaimer: though they are undoubtedly one of my favorite bands, I don't advocate a number of the things they sing about...most of the lyrics are vague enough for the casual listener to remain unaffected, but there are multiple drug references sprinkled thoughout, as well as a few not-so-nice words here and there.
Oh, and if you're interested in praying for these guys, shoot me an email and I'll give you some tips. :) I have to say, possibly the best part of the night was on the ride home when Scott and I did take some time to lift up these guys and our fellow concert-goers.

And now, in other news...
Guess whose car went kaput on the way home from church yesterday! Yep, that'd be me.
I was driving happily along when I suddenly lost power. I pulled off to the side of the road and eventually the old car died. Don't worry though, I'm working on getting it resurrected. (Please God!)
Unfortunately the events required a tow and leaving my car at the mechanic's until at least Monday. Ack!
Thankfully I know some good people.
Scott saved my hide last night by giving me a ride to a get-together with a few old friends. I ended up being able to relax and have a great time...that's a blessing and a half. Normally I would be more likely to stew over my car troubles all night long, but this time around I almost forgot anything was wrong. Times like that I feel like I'm just leaning back into God's arms...like, "Well, I can't do anything about this so I'm just going to trust you Lord..."
Three cheers for my wonderful landlord who is also willing to give me a ride to and from work tonight and tomorrow morning. Phew! Though I hate asking people for help, it's sure heart-warming to find those who give it so freely. :)

Thus marks another weekend come and almost gone. I felt so fried last night that I came home and went to sleep for a 'nap' that stretched into four hours...and now I think I'll be returning to sleep soon. What a bum I can be...hopefully I'll find the motivation to be more productive when I'm not on third shift anymore. It's hard to take just a 'nap' when the world is dark and quiet around you--try it sometime!
Books to read, cleaning to do, plans to be made...but for now I say 'forget it!'

God Writing #8: Check Mate

3/24/06

Proverbs 3:5 is a well known verse--"Trust in the LORD with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding." For many Christians, this verse may amount to little more than rhetoric. For others of us, it becomes the litmus test of our faith.

This last week @ ABS (Area Bible Study--Senior High ministry from my church that I volunteer with) we wrapped up a series on relationships. When it came to small group time, my girls and I discussed a number of topics--relationships were eclipsed by many other issues. We usually wrap up with prayer requests and this week I was especially touched by what one girl--Cara--asked prayer for.
She shared with us how her friend Shaun (sp?) had been attending youth group at her home church for a long time because his parents made him. However, Shaun was becoming increasingly hostile towards God. In recent weeks he hadn't even bothered to show up, and Cara wondered if his parents had given up on making him attend. As she talked about Shaun, it was obvious that she really cared about him and was greatly upset that he was choosing to turn his back on the Lord. The rest of us listened in sympathy, and promised to pray.

Wow, it's hard to trust God with people we care about. How do we make sense of lives when by all appearances, it looks like God has been absent from the word 'Go'? Lives where trial after trial occurs...or even those where the story is success after success and the person feels they have no need for a Savior when they are doing just fine?

I don't think any of us would burst a blood vessel trying to think of someone we know who fits in this context. Going back to ABS, I see these young women struggle week after week with this issue. Emilie has a cousin who seems to have dealt with her pain by going Goth and turning away from God [I have friends who would ream my hide if I didn't point out that these two things are NOT necessarily synonymous.] Ally is the only Christian in her family (and has been so for little more than a year or two) and yet has to constantly endure relentless questioning from her very scientific/intellectual family. She so badly wants them to understand what it's like to have a relationship with the Lord, but as of yet, they don't get it.

A few years back I went through a major crisis of faith myself when a dear friend--Alex--lost his fight with cancer at the age of 26. I knew Alex thanks to the wonders of the internet. He lived in England, and though I only talked on the phone with him once, his emails and friendship were a reliable stream of oxygen to me at a time when I felt like I was suffocating. He was full of life more than anyone else I have ever known. He loved his job, he loved his fiance, he couldn't wait to be a dad one day, and he made every day into an adventure. The fact that he died so young was hard enough to handle. What was worse was knowing that though I prayed for him and his salvation virtually every day of our 3 years of friendship, he remained disinterested in God through to the end.
Devastated doesn't even describe how I felt when I got the news. I insisted that I wasn't angry with God, but I did feel helplessly confused. Why weren't my prayers answered? They were fervent--that's for sure! I pleaded with the Lord that if in my entire life I could only see one person I cared about come to faith, then please let it be Alex. Sometimes the whole free will deal is a bit of a bugger...it'd be nice to just make someone choose to embrace Christ. But despite the best intentions of infant baptism, it just doesn't work that way...
I remember one day when I was feeling really low, I spent a chunk of the day with my friend Scott. We were at a laundromat in Hollywood and I was finally able to articulate my frustration with God--"I know He's Sovereign and can use even this to work for good, I just question his judgement sometimes." Scott, being a real friend, said to me then one of the wisest replies in the history of mankind..."I don't know." In essence--"Sometimes we just can't understand."

I return to Proverbs 3:5. Will we trust God in those times and situations where we don't understand? When all of our logic screams out, "Lord--you don't know what you're doing!" will we still submit and say, "I will trust you even in this"?
I think it's precisely this type of faith that in the end overcomes. Isaiah 30:15 says in part, "...in quietness and trust is your strength." Rather than perpetually rail against the Lord for not doing things how we deem best, perhaps we will see true fruit when we humbly put these things into His hands, bow before Him, and proclaim, '" I will trust you with even this."

Eventually--as in almost a year later--I came to appreciate my myopic point of view over Alex's death. I loved Alex so much, but at some point I began to think that God viewed him as a stranger. I thought, "God, if only you knew and appreciated Alex like I do..." Finally it hit me--my love for Alex was a mere shadow of God's love for him.

Acts 17:26-27: "From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him though he is not far from each one of us."
God is the ultimate chess player. He may refuse to make someone love him, but he does employ divine strategy in the context he places each of us in--our time in history, our family, even our hometown!
I finally accepted the fact that God knew and loved Alex more than anyone else could hope to. God pulled out all the stops in His Quest to woo Alex into His arms--I may have had the privilege to be a small part in that, but I certainly wasn't the whole story. As a loving Father, perhaps the Lord approached Alex in his final dreams [he died in his sleep] in a way that Alex could finally understand and accept. And if Alex's ultimate decision was to not choose God, his Creator and Savior mourned more deeply over that loss than I could ever imagine.

I carry this lesson with me. It hurt like the Dickens to learn it, but as I apply it to new situations I find peace and comfort. I have other friends now that I also love deeply and who are also choosing to walk away from the Giver and Source of Life. (That's one of those titles I attribute to God, in case you're confused.) Some days it breaks my heart to ponder this. Somedays I get angry and want to whip them into shape. But underlying everything is the fact that I trust God to be Sovereign in their lives. I pray, I hope, and I leave the rest to Him as I hold onto His promise in 1 Corinthians 13:8, "Love never fails..."

Forgiveness

Forgiveness [5/10/06]

I made a pledge
and my will holds to it
Strong like a rock
in the sea
Defying the fury
of crashing waves
with its mere
immobility

My heart is bound by its promise
It will play the unkind Innkeeper
Mercilessly shutting its doors
and turning a deaf ear
to the imploring requests
of Resentment and Bitterness
dropped at its step
by the mere mention
of Your name

But the anger was always
Secondary to the pain
And the cuts
Can't promise
to stop bleeding
Give me the medicine
and the clots will come
Measure the syrum
and I'll feel numb again
I swear to swallow all the pills
until I regain the strength
to merely hold the wounds
together

As black contrasts white
so now the truth makes clearer the lies
and these memories aren't worth keeping
So I vow to keep turning my head
from the spectre
of our yesterdays playing in my mind
and not to lament
that not-remembering is so much harder
than merely forgetting

It's not impossible--
this task before me--
This rocky climb
Steep
but surmountable
and in your eyes a molehill
as you forgo
demanding another chance
and ask me instead
to merely forgive

Happy Birthday Bono!

Best Wishes for Bono--Rockstar/Bleeding Heart/Irishman/Social Reformer/Advocate for the Poor/Sinner/Saint/Emperor of the Airwaves/Half-step Down/Quality Human Being--on his 46th Birthday.
I, for one, think it should be an international holiday.
God bless you, Sir!

Blog Quiz Intervention

Ok...there comes a time when one must face oneself in the mirror and acknowledge the darkness that has crept into one's soul.
I'm here to tell you, my time has come.
This blog quiz thing has gone too far...(but thanks for indulging with me, Tina!).

Friends, I humbly turn to the 12 steps for re-centering...
1)I admit I am powerless over blog quizzes and that because of them, my life has become unmanageable.
2)I do believe that God can restore me to sanity. Yes, I did say "restore"!
3)I decide to give this issue of blog quiz addiction over to God.
4)Searching and Fearless moral inventory as follows: I am an escapist. I sometimes waste time and then wonder at where it went. I use blog quizzes as a way to make me feel better about myself. My soul has been stained black, but I might yet be washed and turned away from this hellish road.
5)I admit to God, myself, and you the exact nature of my wrongs--that I have wiled away too much time cruising quizzes, that I have gone overboard in sharing my results, that I have turned serious blog readers away from my posts, that I have taken quizzes secretly, and that I have stooped to giving my email address to OKCupid just so I could get my Sesame Street results. Clearly, I must be stopped.
6)I'm entirely ready to have God take away my desire for blog quizes and all the issues this desire stems from.
7)Lord, please remove my shortcomings in this area.
8)A list of persons I have harmed: Tina...Scott...Brian...Sara...any casual blog reader and especially non-commenters.
9)Make direct ammends to these people? Um...ok...what do you guys want from me? Name your price! I ask your forgiveness and am willing to pay up to $5 a pop for it. ;)
10)I will continue to monitor my blog usage and apologize for any further wrongs I commit.
11)I will pray for wisdom in knowing God's will on the matter of if I should partake of any blog quizzes in the future.
12)Having had a spiritual awakening, I will take my message of responsible blog-quiz-taking to other bloggers in the blogosphere, and practice this new code of restraint in all of my online activity.

Phew! Don't we all feel better now?

I will quit soon!

I know...I'm showing addiction like tendencies to all these blog quizes.
But it's one of the few things I consider "fun" so cut me some slack already!
I promise to tone it down soon...but for now...
Another star wars quiz!:

Threepio
You scored 25% airiness, 68% squishiness, and 68% edginess!
According to our patented Jawamatic technology, you are most like See-Threepio (C-3P0) in personality. Threepio, being a protocol droid, favours traditional values. Programmed for etiquette and protocol, he is always concerned with doing what is proper and expected, caring for people's material needs above all else. He is methodical, value-driven and practical at his best. Threepio is, in a word, diligent. The polar opposite of See-Threepio is Artoo-Detoo

What 80's cartoon are you?

http://okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=18113082285663257551

You're Superfriends!! DC Comic book legends Superman, Batman, Robin, Wonder Woman and Aquaman, along with their new comrades Marvin, Wendy and Wonder Dog, are called to "fight injustice..." You take your job seriously. You never let your personal issues get in the way of your work. Sometimes, you take things a little too seriously. Still, when push comes to shove, everyone's going to want you in their corner because you're so good at fighting for what you believe in. Keep it up!



And this one is kind of lame, but...The What's Your Rock Personality Test

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=17914016436453078338

Hippy

You scored 37 classicness, 17 rageful, 23 hyperness, and 25 sadness!
Most modern fads and styles aren't for you. You like old models of present objects. You prefer a record player over a MP3 player, you prefer acoustic over electric, small store over Wal-mart, old stove you have to throw logs in, over an electric stove. You like everything classic. You either hate or love the government and war. You'd be happier in the country out with nature. You're very comfortable being yourself, and you hate conforming.

(Hahaha, my cousin Zach and I always joke about how he hates 'dirty hippies' and I embrace them...)

Life Check in

Do you ever have those days where you just feel ok with life? :)
Maybe it's my form of runner's high...
I started this morning running a few errands. Got myself a new cell phone from Sprint PCS and I'm pretty excited about it. Down with Cingular! ...or at least when my contract is up in a few days. I should be able to retain my MN # for now, but will change it when I get settled in CA. I might have a day or two with a blip of needing my temporary new phone number, but I'll let you guys know the deal via email...
Anyway...the phone I got can take pictures (wow!) AND the guy apologized that they only had one color left but it was...'blue energy.' Perfect-o.
Then I stopped at the Best Buy in Roseville to pick up Gomez's new cd. Got it for a mere $10! Take THAT Best Buy Maplewood!
Ended up at the mechanic to discuss some further needed car repairs...I don't like to dish out my money on stuff like this, but I'm ok with the idea today.
I went to sleep and woke up after a mere 5 or 5 and 1/2 hours of sleep. My ending dream was something about stopping into this bakery/ice cream shop where the manager and workers were all Hispanic. At first I had wanted ice cream, but wasn't very impressed with the flavors. Then I talked to the staff, another customer, and ended up selling a cake. The silliest thing about the dream was that one of the ice cream flavors I was looking at was 'Jesus'. I was asking one of the workers, "What flavor is Hey-zues?" (as in, pronouncing it en espanol)
So I woke up, couldn't get back to sleep, and decided to go for a jog. It was good.
And at the end of it I just felt this sense of, yeah...it's all alright.
I leave Minnesota in less than a month.
My heart is in a totally different place than it was last year at this time.
I'm 26.
One day, I'll die.
But you know what? It's all good.

Muppet link now working

Hey Guys,
my apologies for putting up a bum link to the Muppet test in my earlier blog. I was tired, ok?

Anyway, I reworked it now and you should be able to click on the blogthings link and get there.

If you're super-bored, I found two more muppets quizes too, though not as good in my opinion.
http://www.matthewbarr.co.uk/muppets/

I got Waldorf and Statler--the Siskel and Ebert like reviewers!

There's also an okcupid quiz, but 1)I warn you it has some colorful language and 2)I can't seem to figure out how to get access after I signed up already to take the sesame street one. So no link for you--look it up yourself if you want!

Inane Quizes, but with a point!