November update

It occurred to me this week that after having a renewed streak of meaningful blogging upon moving to Raleigh this summer, I was now running dry again. I don't know if I should blame facebook or my trend of keeping up with friends via email...both seem to dry up my need to post some words about my life (or whatever) on this posterboard of the internet.
But, sometimes I realize my drive for perfection stands in the way of living life, and that applies in that to blog I often need to keep reminding myself I don't need to type up perfect little essays to be submitted for grading...or even approval.
My aim in blogging is to share my life with whoever wants to read about it...so if that means random bits of rambling, then ok!
With that disclaimer held high, let me tell you what I have been up to as of late.
Yum, pumpkin! I am so thankful that God blessed me with a husband that enjoys cooking. Josh (mostly at my request) has been on a pumpkin-recipe free for all over the last couple of weeks. We've had two different kinds of pumpkin soup, pumpkin bread pudding, pumpkin butter, and tonight there is promise of pumpkin bread. My mouth is watering already. We also endeavor to try getting in a pumpkin pie, pumpkin cookies, and perhaps even pumpkin pancakes/muffins/cupcakes before our desire for pumpkin runs dry. ...if that's possible.

Yesterday we watched the movie Seven Pounds, which I think came out last year around Christmastime. Sometimes it's amusing how differently Josh and I can react to things. Josh was not pulled in by the plot of Seven Pounds at all...he thought the non-linear presentation of the story was annoying, rather than intriguing, and would have been fine turning it off around the halfway point. I was taken with the story and couldn't help crying my eyes out at the end... A brief synopsis is essentially that Will Smith's character is a business man, who while driving his wife to a dinner one night, looks at his cell phone to read a text regarding work, and then gets into (causes?) a car accident that ends up killing seven people--including his wife. He is so torn up by guilt over this that he begins donating parts of his body to sort of make up for it. By the time we meet him, he is zoning in on Rosario Dawson's character, who needs a heart transplant and has extremely low odds for getting one due to her rare blood type, and Woody Harrelson's character who is a blind vegetarian with a heart of gold. At the end of the movie, Will Smith's character (continuing to be filled with self-loathing and perpetually looking like he's about to throw up) commits suicide in order to donate his heart and eyes respectively.
I found the story to be beautiful and tragic all at once. On the one hand, how amazing for a person to sacrifice everything they have--including one's own body. On the other hand, how heartbreaking that this guy couldn't accept forgiveness. It's reminiscent of Judas in the Bible...Jesus forgave him, but he wouldn't forgive himself.
On the whole, I'd say it's worth watching.


This morning I finished the book, The Shack, which has been on my radar for about 2 years now. Many of my friends have read this book and highly recommended it. I borrowed it from my new friend Sarah and began reading it a few weeks ago. Josh decided he was going to read it too...even though we both know he usually is not a fan of pop-Christian-novels.
Well, my bottom line is I give it a thumbs up. It's well-written (not like the shoddy work in those crazy Left Behind books!), and even though I may not agree with every tiny little theological point portrayed, I definitely understood and appreciated the vast majority of the imagery presented. What's more, I was very moved during several bits...
Of course I probably need to say for the record that Josh thought the book was pretty much hooey. He got to about the 8th or 9th chapter yesterday morning, and then put it down stating he simply could not handle reading any more of it. I assured him no one was asking him to.

In other news, Josh and I have been busy with work lately--hooray! I have a full-time job doing caretaking for 'clients' with developmental disabilities at a place called The Tammy Lynn Center in Raleigh. I work at one of the 3 residential houses on campus, where there are 10 clients living. I am really enjoying getting to know the clients and working with them. It's a bit of a challenge in that I get a little disappointed with other staff sometimes, wishing they would put more effort into their work, but I'm hoping to encourage others and work with integrity myself.
Josh started working as a cashier/produce guy in a nearby grocery store. It's not his dream job, but it's definitely honest work and will help us pay our bills every month. We are trusting in God's direction, and I'm eager to see what transpires for us over the next year...

Ok, I guess it's time for me to make some lunch for myself. Adios Amigos...!

A Lesson From Hannah--Offering God your Weakness

One of the greatest temptations facing Christians who want to live authentic, faith-filled, devoted lives is (I think) projecting the facade that our lives are altogether.

A friend of mine recently posted a status update on facebook referring to the fact she was going through a really hard time in her life, but felt it was necessary to keep her 'game face' on. Oh how easily I can relate...

Perhaps this isn't as much of a temptation in other cultures (???), but here in the U.S., we like to keep things nice and tidy. Everything is ideally fine--work is good, family is good, marriage is good, kids are good, friends are good, cars are good, health is good, etc. If someone goes through a legitimate trial, that's ok--as long as it has an end, and then we can go back to being good again. We might even be so brave as to not try to put a happy spin on said trial...but again, there's the unspoken imperative--it must come to an end.

What do we do with people whose problems seem to stretch on indefinitely? Awk-ward! Ok, yes, we know you have this problem, friend. See, we've spent the last 4 weeks praying for you. Maybe you should just suck it up and let us concentrate our prayers on someone else now, ok?
[Please note, I realize I'm being extremely facetious, but it's in an effort to illustrate a point.]

Maybe one of the reasons we find long trials challenging is that they stir us to wonder, "Is God really listening? Does he really care about this? Hmmm... Either there's a reason He's not intervening or maybe we shouldn't be bothering Him..."
Maybe it's exactly this type of mentality that prompted Jesus to teach us perseverance in prayer (a la Luke 18)...

But anyway, this musing is not as much about prayer as it is about weakness.
Last night I opened my Bible up to the story of Hannah (1 Samuel), and it really hit me in some good ways.
To give you a nutshell synopsis of the scripture, it's like this: Hannah was married to a man named Elkanah, who loved her very much. Elkanah also had another wife, with whom he had several children. Hannah, on the other hand, was seemingly barren. Back in the day, if a woman was barren she was considered deservingly cursed for some secret sin she had committed. (How interesting that many of the women mentioned in biblical heritage were considered barren for a large portion of their lives...! But that would be another post...) Elkanah's other wife, for whatever reason, took it upon herself to provoke Hannah...maybe she was jealous, bored, or thought it was what Hannah deserved... Hannah would get so upset that she couldn't even eat. Once a year, Elkanah and his family made a trip to Shiloh where they would worship the LORD and offer sacrifices. Well, one year Hannah couldn't take it anymore, and she poured out her heart in prayer to the LORD, promising if He gave her a son, she would give that son back to Him by devoting his life to serving at the temple. As she was praying, Eli the priest saw her and mistook her for being drunk because she was so worked up. Hannah stood up to his chide and explained her situation. Eli prayed for her...and she ended up having a son named Samuel! After he was weaned, Hannah brought Samuel to Eli and he became a great prophet. Plus, God gave Hannah 5 more children. Every year when they came to the temple, Hannah brought Samuel a new robe she had made for him. Yay! [taken from Chapters 1-3]

Of the many points one can pull from Hannah's story, what stuck out to me the most was that when Hannah was in the temple praying, she was being real. Verse 10 of Chapter 1 says, "In bitterness of soul, Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD."
I have heard a number of pastors point to the book of Psalms as a great example of being real with God. There are many times David rants in anger, sorrow, and disappointment...and yet we are still told he was a man after God's own heart. I guess when I started to accept this fact, I still kind of considered it more as a means of expression. Like, if you're angry...go ahead and share your anger with God in prayer. It's not like you are going to surprise Him. "Oh geez, I didn't realize you were so upset about this! ...Can you tone it down a little?" Essentially you get a bit of an emotional release, and you're also spending time connecting with God--great idea!
But to me, the interesting thing about Hannah's story was that it wasn't just her venting to God, but rather she requested something...and he answered.

Going back to the 'having it altogether' mentality, I have to admit I get rather upset at myself when my imperfections rear their collective head. I realize the importance of contentment, and of trusting God despite the circumstances. When my heart feels uneasy and I can't beat it into submission along those lines, I get disappointed with myself. I might pray, but part of me doesn't expect that prayer to really reach God because I know my heart's not where it should be.

When Elkanah saw Hannah so upset, he understood why. Scripture reports he said to Hannah, "Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" He didn't understand why Hannah couldn't conceive, but he didn't think it had to be her end. "Maybe this is just your trial to bear, Hannah. I know it's rough, but look on the positive side--you've got me, and I do love you very much! Can't you be content with that? Sure I know other people might look down on you, but you're better than that--you know God loves you, so don't let other people get you down."
And I would be willing to bet that Hannah did try to let go of her disappointment and embrace contentment...but it just didn't stick.

As I was journaling last night, I wrote that Hannah's prayer was not a faith-filled prayer. Then I stopped, and thought about it.... What I really mean is that we're not told that the LORD had ever promised Hannah she would have a son. Other heroes of faith stood on promises that had been made to them. Hannah was more or less shooting in the dark. But on second thought, I don't think that means her prayer was lacking faith.
Romans 4 discusses at length the merits of Abraham by and large because he took God at His word. One of the verses I find really inspiring is 18: "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations..."
Hannah's situation may have looked very bleak. She had been unable to have children for a long enough time period to earn her the label of barren. What right did she have to believe that would ever change?
But Hannah did know who--if anyone--had the power to help her. Against all hope and every sign pointing to "No", Hannah was brave enough to ask God to change her state of childlessness. If that isn't faith, I don't know what is.

I can't say I'm right, but I doubt this was the first time Hannah prayed for a child. What made this time different? Was it that she prayed at the temple? Was it that Eli agreed with her in prayer? Was it that the timing was right for Samuel to come into existence? Perhaps. I have another theory though. I wonder if it might've been because Hannah came to the end of her strength, and poured out her brokenness instead... She was so passionate in her prayer that she didn't alter her heartbroken approach even though she wasn't guaranteed absolute privacy. Eli watched her, and strongly believed she was drunk. I don't think that's a conclusion a priest would quickly jump to.
In Chapter 2 when Hannah offers a prayer as she turns Samuel over to Eli, she says some things that indicate she knows God's character well--specifically that He opposes the proud and strong, but lifts up the weak and the humble.
Hannah's barrenness was a neon light of weakness in her life. It was the epitome of her shame. It kept her in the shadows of Elkanah's family. It was viewed as evidence that Hannah had sinned against the LORD. It was like her own scarlet letter.
When she couldn't pretend that everything was ok anymore, Hannah broke down before God and offered Him her very weakness--'Take this from me, LORD, and I will return to you the miracle baby you give me. I will willingly live the rest of my life without my precious son, but I will always be his mother. Take my shame from me. Remember me!"

As I was thinking through this earlier, the thought popped up in my head, "What about when the apostle Paul prayed for the thorn in his flesh to be taken away, and God said no?"
Hmmm...predicament.
Not that I really believe that during my 'quiet times' I'm going to stumble upon some amazing spiritual principle that can be applied across the board for the rest of the world... Life is complicated, and the older I get, the more I realize I don't have all the answers.
But it did occur to me there may be a difference between Paul's prayer and Hannah's. I think Paul was approaching his trial from the angle of, "Lord, I'm strong and I want to be even stronger to do your work. If you just take away this hurdle from me, imagine how much more efficient I would be for you!" God answers him that His power is made perfect in weakness.
Hannah, on the other hand, was walking in weakness already. If her patience was being tested, I think she was successful in persevering--when we catch up with her, she's still walking with and trusting in God, though her life is hard. God answering her prayer is a very clear example of how He exalts the humble and uses the weak things of the world to shame the strong.

So where am I going with all of this?
I'm not sure I do have a bottom line...it is cool to realize though that 1)we can be real with God even when we aren't feeling at the top of our respective games 2)God's love is more than we often give Him credit for (can't miss the overflowing cup of Hannah having 5 more children after she turns Samuel over to Eli) and 3)God's perspective on our weaknesses is probably much different than ours...somehow they bring Him glory, and maybe the more we try to hide them, the harder we make our lives...

Abbreviated thoughts on Silence

Once again, I was meaningfully impacted by the message I heard at Connections this Sunday. Our pastor is doing a series on 'syncing with God', and this last week's suggestion was "Unplug." At the heart of this message was a deep appreciation for silence, and the thought that it can actually be an act of worship. I was very touched by this, and the verses that were shared on the subject. I won't elaborate much more on that, but if you'd like to hear what was said, you can listen to the podcast at www.raleighchurch.org

Well, yesterday I decided to spend a little extra effort in valuing silence. I didn't turn on the tv until dinnertime, though I often like to use it as background when I'm online. For exercise yesterday afternoon, I decided to 4 laps around Lake Lynn, right behind our apartment complex (for anyone curious, a lap is about 2.25 miles, so that was 9 miles of walking--yeah!).
I was eager to do some praying while I walked around, and decided that I'd alternate with one lap of prayer followed by one lap of [internal and external] silence.

Wow, it was a really great time. Moreover, during my first lap of silence, I really sensed God speaking to me in a poignant way. I got a bit of a holy pop in the nose, but it was exactly what I needed. I was thinking of writing all about my experience, but after rehashing it to Josh last night, I think I'm good. I will say that the LORD reminded me of a bible verse I had memorized about 10 years (maybe more!) ago, and I hadn't thought of at all recently. I believe this verse is both a serious rebuke for me, and a promise I can lean on as I go forward. [If you think I'm crazy when you read it, or just don't get what I mean and feel strongly that you'd like to know, just leave me a comment or shoot me an email.]

Isaiah 30:15

"This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel says:
'In repentance and rest is your salvation,
In quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it....'"

Quotable Quotes--on Church

Josh and I are currently making our way through the book Reimagining Church, by Frank Viola.
I am just through the first chapter (Josh is about 1/3 of the way through), but while reading I came across a couple of really good quotes I wanted to share:

1) A quote from a theologian named Shirley Guthrie

"The oneness of God is not the oneness of a distinct, self-contained individual; it is the unity of a community of persons who love each other and live together in harmony... They are what they are only in relationship with one another..."

2)A quote from Richard Halverson on the problem of overcontextualizing the gospel:

"When the Greeks got the gospel, they turned it into philosophy; when the Romans got it, they turned it into government; when the Europeans got it, they turned it into culture; and when the Americans got it, they turned it into a business."

A Trip Around Lake Lynn

A quick photo tour around Lake Lynn, which is right behind our apartment complex. We walk around the lake often, and enjoy the exercise (one lap is 2.25 miles) and the wildlife. Not pictured below but also seen at the lake are 2 Great Blue Herons (we refer to them as Kip and Napolean), a bunny rabbit, and a humingbird...
That's our car for anyone wondering...it's a '97 Hyundai Tiberon and has brought us over the country with minimal angst.
I guess if we're going to do this properly, I should take some bread to feed to the animals...
A handful of ducks on the lake
See the red in his cheeks? We saw one turtle whose entire neck was that color, and before we got a better look, we worried he might be bleeding. Nope, just vibrantly colored.
That's a duck's beak in the foreground...provides perspective. :) It's rather amusing to see the ducks and turtles swimming into each other--both parties always seem startled.
Turtle friends!

We haven't figured out why some turtles' shells are so muddy and others are quite clean... The big turtles aren't as cute as the tiny ones, but I think their little legs and tails look so cute when they swim, regardless of their size.

So cute...! Come here, Mr. Turtle and I will give you a hug.


A smattering of fowl, all willing to fight for a crumb of bread

A boat in the shallow water


We see lots of black and white dragonflys around here, which I was unaccustomed to. Most the dragonflys I've seen in the past were bright blue/green/some combination.
A nice view...
Halfway around the lake there is an open stretch; this is Josh's favorite view.
I was so proud of snapping this picture--the squirrel was a quick one! I love having lots of squirrels around...they are as cute as turtles in my book.
Canadian Geese

Here's a cute gazebo...there's 2 of them around the lake.
I always think this stump looks a bit epic
Dead tree...in the background you can maybe see the wooden bridge. This tree is by a long stretch of bridge--very nice to walk on.

It's been a crazy ride

9 years ago today I made the decision to move away from my small, hometown in Wisconsin and move to the Twin Cities area in Minnesota...a big step of faith that has yielded a life I never expected and more friends than I can shake a stick at. The adventure continues...thank you, Lord. :)

Jesus

[Today at Connections--my new church--we were talking about confessing who Christ is. That inspired me to think a little deeper than titles I'm used to hearing/saying, and that's what follows...]

Jesus...
My Trampoline, enabling me-if just for a few minutes today--to fly
My Wind of Adventure
My Fullness of Life
My Hearty, Joy-filled Laugh with tears spilling and cheeks in pain

My Eyes of Discernment, seeing divine reality through the illusions before You
My Great Equalizer--paying no attention to wealth or status
My Bold Speaker of Truth
My Adoption Fee
My Architect who prepared my place to stand in this structure
My Obedience
My Confidence
My Famed Rebel against the laws of nature
My Strength for the Weak
My Prayer

My Fulfiller of Promises
My Blessed Sinew, uniting me to the rest
My Enigmatic Magi whose wisdom confounds me
My Forgiving Whipping Boy
My Patient Teacher, leading by example and encouraging me to try again
My Fearless One, unflinching in the storm
My Pocket of Unblemished Purity in a polluted world
My Paragon of Humility
My Cracking Peal of Thunder, to whom I wouldn't dare talk back


My Loyal Companion, always at my side
My Thoughtful Brother, offering more help than I would ever ask for
My Always-Open Door, approachable and accessible
My Caring Husband, seeking me when I hide
My Faithful Arms, embracing me at my most unloveable
My Favorite Song, giving my life inspiration and meaning

My Restoring Glass of Water after a run
My Cool Shadow when the sun shines too brightly
My Mighty Bridge, under whom I seek protection when the rains turn torrential
My Dry Towel when I'm soaked to the bone
My Warm Bed I never want to leave
My Refuge
My Savior
My God